The X-Files: I Want To Believe

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Why do they have these movies in such cold weather? I know it’s only 2 but that’s a trend. So, I have never seen this before but maybe I wouldn’t have if I had known that the Mr. Moore replacement from Head of the Class was in it. I’m-a ride or die with Howard Hesseman, dammit.

It’s almost as if David Duchovny grew a beard just in time for me to watch this movie so I don’t automatically think of him as Dennis/Denise in Twin Peaks.

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I feel like this was definitely the first transgender character on television. It should have scared people off of the idea.

I would take Amanda Peet’s character more seriously if she wasn’t Agent Whitney. It makes her sound like she’s on loan from a local sorority. She enunciated that name as though she fucked it up a hundred times before this. Ha! Xhibit’s in it. Gotta love the unintentional clergy pedophilia joke. I wish I would have made it first. He then follows it up with one on purpose. Mulder really was a dickhead. No wonder no one wanted to work with him.

Scully’s hair is fucking phenomenal here. That is one kickass blowout.

Billy Connelly’s accent makes this serious shit sound hilarious. “I see the poo girl being assaulted.” This creepy dude just walked by and glared at Scully. Told you her hair was on point.

Why is this kid talking like that? Isn’t this priest the guy that screwed Walter White over with that tech company? That’s too reasons why shouldn’t trust that guy?

Ah! There’s a cylon in the pool. He’s just a skinjob. That’s why he doesn’t have to breathe. Starbuck would agree. That dude is creepy.

Speaking of creepy, are Mulder and Scully together? I guess so. I watched 2 1/2 seasons of the show. I’m not going to pretend to anything.

This is like if Silence of the Lambs was kind of boring. I’m not even invested in it enough to make fun of it.

Mulder is beyond a freak. He gives up on that hair for a case that isn’t even his. Now, you have these two nutjobs who are letting their kid die just because the potential cure is stem cell treatment.

So, the the Cylon, his husband, and the pedophile were all working together? Checks out. Is Amanda Peet hitting on Mulder? I am now waiting for what I’m guess will be some ACME thing to fll on Xhibit from the roof. OR not. Misdirection, as Amanda Peet gets killed by Leoben. I never saw that coming. We’re barely even half way through here. And Leoben’s husband is becoming a woman. OK. Just so I know where we’re at.

I thought for sure that Mulder was going to be hiding in Leoben’s flat bed. By the way, typing Leoben is strangely difficult. I think I saw that Mulder had Vince Gilligan as a contact in his phone. Makes sense, but maybe it was just Gilligan. Or Gilligan from Arrested Development.

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I feel like this should be over already. Kinda like how the second half of the second season of Twin Peaks had seemingly no direction after finding out who killed Laura Palmer. This fucking movie is somehow even weirder.

I love how Mulder just stands there like a goon when the dog charges him. I am, however, confused over whether he or the dog got the worst of their exchange. And they brought in Walter Skinner for…moral support? And a ride, I guess, seeing as Scully’s car was underwater. Whatever, he wasn’t doing anything except for waiting to reveal more magicians’ secrets.

Mulder got punked out my doctors now. How long was he away from the bureau? He can’t even protect himself anymore. He’s like the kids from the 60’s Space Ghost cartoon. If Scully smells the blood and determines it to be Mulder’s, I’m turning this off. Even ten years ago, people were over-reliant on Google to figure out where they are. I’m that way even more so now, having only had a smart phone for 2 years.

I think Skinner may have just locked those surgeons in a furnace. This is the kind of FBI this country needs. Take no prisoners!

Hey Mulder, it’s me, Scully. Father Joe is dead! For a doctor, she has some shit bedside manner. This is the kind of cold comfort that I just saw in Dark Tower when the Gunslinger suggests that the kid go back to his world with him. The kid’s actually excited, which is when the Gunslinger points out this nugget that there’s nothing for the kid on this world. Fuck, man. The kid’s mom is ash on the carpet! Couldn’t you let him process his grief before we move onto trying to find the bright side?

Speaking of Scully the doctor, now her big surgical procedure is going to fail because priests suck and would rather be right than actually consider a child’s well-being. Well, I guess we’ll never know – unless they brought it up in the revival series. I don’t remember and I’m not going to look it up. The club version of the theme song is irritating me, so that’s gonna do it.

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WWE Extreme Rules 2016

Trying something a little new tonight, live blogging.

Just got home and it’s time for the first match of the night that I don’t care about: Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler. Are these guys athletic? Yes. Are these guys compelling? Not particularly. DZ’s tights look like they have dead Daredevil heads on them. I heard someone describe Corbin’s finishing move is essentially him giving himself the Rock Bottom. It looks kind of cool until you think about what it is. It sure looks like he’s finishing himself.

Renee Young is way too concerned with Dolph’s testicles. I absolutely love that no one likes Michael Cole. Kudos to him, though. How many people do you know of that have never improved at their job that have actually managed to keep it for over a decade.

The Usos are really fun…if you’re 3 years old. It took all of a second for the crowd to chan “Bullet Club”. If it wouldn’t be so weird for me to do so, I’d join in. I would really like to see what Karl Anderson’s WWE-approved finisher is. It’s too bad that he hasn’t won a match since joining the company. I hate how WWE makes me look like a racist just because they always force Samoans and Latinos to be so boring compared to white anti-heroes.

Doc Gallows seems to have aged ten years in the last two. Kevin Nash moves more fluid than him…now, at 57 years old. Is Gallows even 30? The problem with the Usos, other than their personalities, is that they are not as athletic as they are billed. Gotta love how another bald Anderson can deliver a wicked spinebuster. Bad guys should never ask, “Do you know who you’re dealing with?”. The good guys absolutely know who they’re dealing with. While you’re busy asking, they kick you in the face.

I was hoping Gallows was going to attack Jimmy Uso with Lillian Garcia as a weapon. Yay! LOLBULLETCLUBWINS!!! Finally. They already have the best theme song in WWE. We should get to hear it more.

This is the United States title, so we get a Mexican and a “Bulgarian”. This is also the perfect time to check in with our many foreign announce teams. I really don’t understand why Kalisto is still the champion. I don’t mind. He’s actually very talented. They just don’t have anything interesting for him. At least he made it to the actual main card this PPV. And Rusev is light years ahead of Ryback as it pertains to watchability. He actually has some rudimentary awareness of ring psychology. Two separate Lex Luger mentions in this match. No one wants to hear about Lex Luger. No one. Worst commentary ever. We should just have Lana clapping for play-by-play.

Love the hurricanrana DDT but, no JBL, that move has never beaten anyone. Fucking hell, that Accolade was brutal. Ring the bell before Rusev disembowels Kalisto. In slow-mo, it is decidedly less devastating.

They show a Ninja Turtle commercial because Sheamus is Bebop or Rocksteady, I don’t remember who’s who. I really dig that they are showing those characters’ origins.

Big E is carrying rakes. That’s almost definitely a response to “The Cleaner”, Kenny Omega. Man, New Day made some rotisserie chicken salad out of chicken shit with this gimmick. Oh, the rakes were hoes. I can’t believe they got away with “putting two hoes in the ground”. Their opponents are the Vaudevillains, a tag team that I still can’t believe is on the main roster. It’s like we went back in time a decade when teams all had to have ridiculous characters and distinctive facial hair.

Hey, Xavier Woods gets to wrestling tonight. And he just through the hadouken punch. They really are calling out Omega. Big E is so damned impressive that he should be murdering people. Aiden English even stole that Seth Rollins finishing move that he used once. VV’s offense seems to consist of throwing guys in or out of the ring. Big E! Get up! Ha! He destroyed him. I like it when “faces” cheat.

Everybody, I like A.J. Styles. I really do. He seriously needs to change his hair. He looks like a teen girl impersonator. He walked in da club, which is really just bathroom with a stationary tub where a toilet should be.

The fatal 4-way for the I.C. strap. This is guaranteed to be 75% classic, 25% dogshit. And, yes, The Miz is that dogshit. Why isn’t Kevin Owens the champion of everything? Why is Cesaro’s new gimmick a James Bond-themed male stripper? I keep thinking that Sami Zayn is going to drive me in his taxi or sell me a newspaper. The only thing good about The Miz is Maryse.

I really hate JBL. Who is Audie Murphy? Just because you qualify you comparison by saying a guy is the “Modern Day [Name] doesn’t mean that anyone is old enough to remember who you’re talking about. Oh, shit. Cesaro vs. Zayn IV. How can Vince McMahon say that Cesaro doesn’t connect with fans? He’s over as hell. There is really nothing he can’t do in the ring. It’s gotta be weird for wrestlers when young dudes feel the need to touch their bare chests.

“Miz, I believe, suckered him in”. Yes, Michael, anyone with eyes could tell. Your believe has no bearing on reality. KO is a good deal puffier than I remember. This match has shrunk down to Owens vs. Zayn. Nothing wrong with that. And like Miz does, he ruins everything. Two people in the crowd think “this is awesome”. Miz can’t even win a cool finishing move because he’s so lame. Referees need to learn to be less retarded. The only ones on the ball are the corrupt ones.

It’s no surprise that this match had been a lot of fun. I just wish that Miz would eat all the finishers and the pin. That’s why the exact opposite happens.

The Asylum match, ugh. “Perry Saturn is smiling somewhere”. I doubt it, JBL. Last I heard, Saturn was homeless and crazy. If he is smiling, it’s because he’s insane, not happy.Maybe that’s what JBL meant, since this is an Asylum match. Heel Chris Jericho is the only Jericho worth having. If Ralphus isn’t dead, he should come back. Like Kalisto, I like Dean Ambrose but dude needs a direction. JBL should pick on Byron Saxton more. It’s the only time he’s tolerable.

“He just poked Jericho in the ear with a mop!” That’s almost as good as “The Rock just put Billy Gunn’s face in that large woman’s ass! I just said that, King!”. This match premise is so dumb, even Jericho’s banter can’t save it. He must have been hearing the commentary and figured his would be better. Couldn’t be worse. This is moving SO SLOWLY. Damn, Ambrose hit Y2J in the face with a leather strap.

According to JBL, everyone on this card is like Terry Funk. Man, I’ve completely lost interest in writing about this nonsense.

Purple Rain

 

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“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to…”,  fuck, this it going to be hard. The rain may not be purple but that’s because it is likely falling from my eyes. Believe it or not, this is the first time I’m watching the film. Weird, seeing as Purple Rain is my favorite Prince album (it is his one perfect record) and that I have seen Graffiti Bridge way too many times. That was premium channel cable in 1992, I guess. The only other movie I remember watching during that period was Silence of the Lambs.

First thought it is, goddamn, The Revolution was a badass fucking band. Imagine how much more amazing the world could have been had Prince just kept them around. That was a bit of a trick. The world would still blow and Prince could not have been more awesome. Damn, Apollonia, why are you talking over “Let’s Go Crazy”? Your shit is not more important than this. One regret I have in life is never seeing him live. He was just electric. Morris, who are who crappin’? On your best day, you can’t hold a candle to Prince. Also, challenging the guy wrote your damn songs is just bad business.

All that being said, “Jungle Love” is a sweet track. But, wait, does Jerome actually perform a function in The Time? Was he just a hype man? Even so, Flavor Flav made a shitload of money that way. I wish I had a hype man.

This is how you know this is a movie: in the Purple Rain reality, Prince and The Revolution can’t sell out a small club. That’s just plain crazy. Remember when Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis were a big deal? No? Not a huge surprise seeing as it was at least 20 years ago. I really do believe that Prince was cool enough that chicks would just hop on the back of his bike just randomly. I bet he got more hop-ons than the Bluth Staircar.

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Apollonia is such a star fucker. Courtney Love must have gotten a lot of tips from this flick. Whoa, didn’t see those coming. Never mind what I just said. Ah! Prince wins all over the place. He tricks some desperate wannabe starlet and gets to see boobs. Then, she kisses him for it. All part of his magic, I suppose.

Abbott and Costello, meet Day and Benton. Yeeesh.

The Revolution sans Prince is kinda rubbish. “Wendy?”, “Shut up, Lisa”. “Computer Blue” might have been funnier. Also, Lisa looks like a better looking Justine Bateman. Bobby Z is one creepy-looking fucker.

Seinfeld wishes he could rock the puffy shirt like Prince did.

Morris is such a terrible actor that his performance is oddly spellbinding. He gets by on all charm like a charismatic Tommy Wiseau.

How is the keyboard part still going after Prince gets up and goes to the microphone so he can remind Apollonia which guy totally owned her earlier and, therefore, she should choose him? Maybe not the best logic. I know for a fact that you do not go back with some woman, that disrobes before jumping into a nasty river, back to your parents’ place (which also happens to be your place). <insert emoticon of your choice>

It just got real. CW3 just lost it. Prince’s hair is even awesome while he’s sleeping. These two are a really awkward, adorable couple. I write this a millisecond before Prince slapped the taste of her mouth. Fuck, this is so dark all of a sudden. I am way bummed out now.

Yeah, Kid, better go see the boss before the old man in rainbow suspenders kicks your ass. Again, I know it’s a movie but I can’t get over the idea that a club could be looking to bump Prince and the Revolution from their lineup. This must be Bizarro world where Prince slaps women and Morris Day is the King of Minneapolis.With Prince gone in our world, that may actually be the case now.

I would like to believe that there is a parallel universe where Prince is still alive and The Revolution never broke up and there were never Star Wars prequels. Regardless, we are stuck in this shitty universe where all of that came to pass.

CW3 gives the sage advice, “Never get married.” Why couldn’t some friends of mine have watched this and learned?

Folks, you need to know something. Playing a guitar with a glove on is difficult. Maybe this is just me, though. Prince is kind of Axl Rose in this movie with this throwing a tantrum and storming off stage bit. A one song set of his is worth a week long set of Apollonia 6. They are, in a word, no damned good. There are what they call in the old country, rhinoceros shit.

Prince rollin’ in like a bat out of hell and force pushes Morris into some trash. He might be a “long-haired faggot”, Morris, but you still got punked out by dude in a purple coat and pirate shirt. Who’s the real faggot here, Morris? I know that this not the right time but I didn’t realize Prince punched lefty. Also, Apollonia took the earring off of the opposite ear that it was in originally. Just noting the lapse in continuity.

Why does the Kid ever go home? The question is whether it’s only that dysfunctional when he’s around or all the time? The gun didn’t fire until the Kid flipped the light switch, so I think it’s a fair question. Prince, bro, someone took a lot of time putting whatever that was into those jars and you just broke them. That was some, um, spaghetti sauce or something and now you’re wasting it.

Fucking hell! Who would dare make fun of “Let’s Go Crazy”? Ridiculous. These are some weird random shots of people in the crowd. Once again, I know this is a movie but starting your set with “Purple Rain” is just bizarre. That’s your finisher, man! Macho Man Randy Savage didn’t drop the flying elbow and then lock up with his opponent.

Crap, here come a few tears. I thought I was gonna make it though this unscathed. I just now realized that “Purple Rain” is a metaphor for heaven. No wonder the sermon at the beginning of “Let’s Go Crazy” and “Purple Rain” are the bookends. I’m sorry if I’m fucking retarded for not figuring this out for 32 years but I was fucking 5 when this came out so fuck off.

Not to discount the sheer splendor that is the title track but why is that the one that wins over the club owner? That guy seems like he should have been really into “When Doves Cry”, only they didn’t perform it. I love that he gives away tambourines that no one has used ever. Not sure I get the message of this movie at all except we are all so very flawed but, sometimes, you just have to accept it. All for love, how seemingly foolish.

What if Apollonia isn’t really there but just a figment of the Kid’s imagination. Seeing his dad shot made him snap and now he sees the specter of her as a constant reminder of his greatest regret. Although, he looks pretty thrilled for a haunted man. Why is the crowd suddenly on board with everything the band does? Where were these fuckers earlier? The Revolution has been shredding this entire movie! Fair weather turd curators.

So, correct me if I’m wrong, but the movie just ended with Prince guitar-jizzing the crowd. If it was anyone else, no way is that overlooked. There you go, we lost a man who could climax over a bunch of film extras and be celebrated. FFS, I miss him so much.

First Blood

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Haven’t seen the non-TV edited version in a long ass time. It leaves Netflix tomorrow, so let’s hit it. When did this black family show up? I could have sworn that Rambo shows up in town, is instantly hassled by cops, and goes apeshit. This kind of stuff humanizes him. It’s the kind of deep shit you can always expect from a Sylvester Stallone movie. So many layers.

Enter Brian Dennehy, whom no one is asking what he would do…unless it’s advice for a donut purchase. Why would wearing the American flag antagonize Americans? I have never understood that. I think this was shot in 70mm. No wonder Quentin Tarantino insisted The Hateful Eight be in that aspect ratio. He’s an artist like Sly. Who is the director of this anyway? I saw the names of Mario Kassar and Andrew Vaj(i)na at the  beginning and they only ever produced classy pictures like Terminator and (original) Total Recall.

Everybody knows that Walking Tall was just a toothless version of First Blood, right? David Caruso looks like a neutered pedo version of Dexter. Is this movie set before Miranda Rights were a thing?

I swear that deputy said, “Rambo. Sanjay?”. Ol’ B.D. looks like he was hoping to be the Kingpin in a Daredevil tv show. If Rambo wasn’t all scarred, you would think this was gay porn the way Caruso swoons over his topless physique? They hose him down while that deputy drops another gem: “Don’t you like waterspouts?”. I rest my case.

The VC tortured him by making him play Jesus in community theatre. Oh, the horror. It would be awesome if Rambo was sent to this Sheriff’s station as a test of their vigilance. They can’t even keep Rambo in their custody for half an hour before he escapes (transit time included). This is as bad as Rosco chasing the Dukes as far as efficiency and ability go. They’ve been driving all the perceived bad elements out of town for decades. The reason being is that they wouldn’t know what to do with an actual criminal. Keeping the peace=being a shady character taxi service.

It’s just as tough to drive up mountains in this movie as it is with a muscle car in Grand Theft Auto. I wish that I was 1/20th as resourceful as Rambo is. He makes MacGyver look like Ed Grimley. He makes Bear Grylls look like Blair from Facts of Life.

I just came back from taking the garbage out and I must say that my enthusiasm for watching Sly run in a burlap sack is definitely waning. As he considers jumping into the waterfall, I must also posit whether or not I should make a Screen Haze first and switch programs. To be fair, I sat through You’re Next. It’s not that this isn’t great but I’m not 20 years old anymore, no matter what the tray of rum Jello shots downstairs implies.

Rambo on the radio sounds like a smooth R&B DJ. “Comin’ up at the top of the hour, we’ve got some Marvin Gaye, Wilson Pickett, and ‘I’m gonna kill you’. But right now, enjoy the dulcet tones of Mr. Sam Cooke.”

I don’t want to lump this in with other Stallone ridiculousness, but he did just destroy a cop’s face by throwing a rock from 75 feet away. Chuck Norris, on his best day, couldn’t be that badass. I also love that he had the wherewithal to grab his belongings from the police station before escaping.

John Rambo would have been a great Kung Fu character as he has the same comedic tenets. Violence against animals, cops, and old men. Throw in a beating for a crippled, Asian kid and you have something even better than Rumble in the Bronx.

I spent the last ten minutes trying to find Ed Grimley or Lisa Whelchel memes or GIFs. None were good enough to re-post.

Colonel Troutman is a massive dickbag. He’s just so smug. No wonder the sheriff is pissed. The Colonel is Rambo’s hype man. “He’s the fucking best at fucking everything a man can do! Only in America!”.

It feels like ages since Rambo killed anyone. Now, we are forced to listen to Troutman rattle of his favorite authors. Jon Krakauer is a good one. “They drew first blood” is really just there to sound badass and not so subtly sneak the movie’s title in the dialogue for commercial purposes. It’s also a gross embellishment of how the events had transpired.

There should be a whole sequence of weird places that Rambo is hiding in. First, some kid’s treehouse. Then, a porto-potty. Then, out of nowhere, he’s in a Hello Kitty costume.

These National Guard guys are total pussies, just like the only one I’ve ever met. He was a Nancyboy. They totally crafted the part where Rambo runs out of the mineshaft as the National Guard fired a rocket in it to resemble the end scene of Caddyshack. Rambo is the gopher. How do part-timers get access to rocket launchers?

Ach! So much talking!

I love the triumphant music as a rain lunatic is destroying public property and killing cops. OK, it’s official. I’m bored with this. Well, there are only 15 minutes left. Fuck it. I’d rather go get some crab dip.

Mad Max

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Talk about a long layoff between viewings. I haven’t seen this one in, at least, 30 years. Being in my mid-30’s, I don’t remember it at all. Not having high hopes for this one since I actually managed to fall asleep in the theater watching Mad Max: Fury Road. I was stoned then, too.

All this car shit just makes me want to play Grand Theft Auto. Also, drive 80 mph through Naperville. Maybe hit some old folks in crosswalks. These accents remind me of the first time I saw Trainspotting. It thought it was the awful sound system in the movie theater that made it so difficult to understand the characters. Oh, shit. Little kid in traffic. If something happens, this kid is too young to qualify as hilarious cinematic violent acts against children. I feel like this is an organization that I should start.

“I am the knight rider.” The hell you are, bitch. There can be only one, and that’s The Hoff. Don’t believe me? Ask this fucking guy. Bet he hasn’t done shit since. His character was Mike Traceur. That makes perfect sense since what would you call a guy that just draws with ink right on top of an already pencil drawing? Just an inferior carbon copy. Just like you’re name…

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So, Mel and his wife are the only people that can speak intelligibly. I never knew that Max was a cop. Weird. Not for nothing, but I prefer Martin Riggs as my Mel cop of choice. That was a pretty gnarly eye hanging from the socket shot. Is the fact that the bad guys all drive Japanese motorcycles a political commentary of an Australian view of Japan. I also was not aware that Ricky Gervais’s taller doppelganger is the leader of the gang. If you stretched Ricky like Taffy, he might look just like that. And when he tells this E.T.-looking fuck to take his hat off, I agree. That hat without a proper uniform to match it to makes him like an even bigger dipshit.

This whole dragging this kid from the bike is cool but confusing. Weren’t they just hanging out with this kid a second ago? I thought it was this shitbird. You knew the second they showed this cute girl and her voice of Roger Rabbit boyfriend that some bad shit was in store for them. I was pretty psyched for this music since I saw that it was composed by Queen guitarist Brian May. After listening only to toneless percussion so far, I did a bit of research and it was not, in fact, that Brian May. Le disappointed.

That dude’s name is Goose. If movies haven’t taught us anything, guys names Goose are cooked. See what I did there? Since this took place a decade before Top Gun, maybe it came from Mad Max. Just like how I believe that Trey Parker and Matt Stone took the South Park character Ned from the movie Monster Dog. In that movie, there was an army fatigue, sunglasses, and bandana-wearing guy with a goatee that gets his arm shot off. He may have also been shot in the throat.

Now, Goose is practicing his ball-gargling form. And because Australia is full of gay-hating psychopaths, he’s a fucking goner. Holy shit! His goose is about to cooked. I’m willing to bet that was intentional. Call me crazy. Just make the bad action movie joke and let’s move on. Weird how I thought it was funny when it was my idea. Ha! He didn’t say it. Joke’s funniness is restored. Huh, Liev Schreiber is in the gang too. What terribly bleached blonde hair. The screen shimmer effect that just rippled over Mel’s face, is that going to be a recurring thing every time he feels fear? He goes into a public restroom after Dr. John‘s night of all-you-can-eat buffalo wings and a gallon of Thunderbird. That effect goes over his face and he pukes all over himself. Australia is not a place of dignity. Look at Paul Hogan. And then look at Hulk Hogan. Then look back at Paul Hogan, and then turn to look at Paul Reubens. I could make this go all night.

Max is married to Ferris Bueller’s sister and is trying to turn her on buy talking about his dad’s shoes. You sweet talker, you. He really needs a mullet. I just don’t buy him as a post-apocalyptic bad ass without a mullet or a mohawk. “Toodle pip”. Jesus, Max, your wife talks to you like you’re a jackass. And with that fucking outfit, who could blame her? You look like you’re on the way to Sunday dinner, which is exactly what this Bob Seger gang member says they are going. If I am ever being intimidated while holding ice cream, I’m going to knee them in the nards and then smack them in the face with my cone. Ooh, your balls just got mashed so you can’t even enjoy the ice cream and now your nose is cold. That is hitting someone while they are down.

Still waiting for that Punisher origin scene. What a bitch Max’s wife is! Why did you call him Tarzan, an idiot part-apeman thing, when he has to fix this car or you’re completely fucked? Man, what a caveman jerkass. She’s so ungrateful and that’s ultimately why she must die. For the sake of the narrative and bringing balance to this universe, it must be so. The dog’s a better actor than her. And she is such a wimp. She couldn’t even outrun a mental. The way she coughs, she must have lung cancer. Hilarious that no one is watching the kid. He’s two and a half, he’s practically a man. Cundileenly? That is the name of my firsy as yet unborn child. Boy or girl, doesn’t matter. Either way, they’re going to get a lot of odd looks. The leader looks like Ricky Gervais but sounds like Tim Curry. He could be my new favorite actor.

Robbed of the big gore. “Dammit, Jim. I’m a doctor, not a fortune teller.” The other doctor needs different bedside manner. Just lie to the husband and tell him his wife will be okay. That way, when she dies, he’ll be sad and pissed off. It’ll be awesome. I’m getting dizzy from all these screen wipes.

I don’t know. I think getting your arm run over would hurt more than he’s selling it. John Cena must be a big fan of this movie. At least he’s limping. John Cena would get up like he was getting a beer from the fridge and wave his hand in my face like an insolent child. Also, siren or not, this car is not department regulation. I guess that would only be a problem if he was going to arrest them. I love that he got a guy squashed by a semi and then got some heroic horns to denote his noble deed. I guess an unattended motorcycle at a fork in the road is considered a bad omen in Australia.

I like that he doesn’t stick around to see what happens. I thought he said five minutes. That was maybe 30 seconds. And that was the end? That scene should have happened 20 minutes earlier. After he kills Toecutter or, more accurately, causes his death, that should be the final climax. I guess the point being that even though he got his proper revenge, he is going to keep after these Jap-lovers. Their words, not mine. Who are you going to believe, me or Mel Gibson? A man who is a notorious racist and weirdo. And this is where it all began. Kinda underwhelming.

Blade

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First re-impression is that I realized that I haven’t seen this movie since whatever year The Shield premiered. Otherwise, I definitely would have remembered Kenny Johnson as the tool that makes out with Traci Lords for 3 seconds. Good work, if you can get it. I have also finally understood why Blade goes to Prague later in the series as everybody speaks some kind of slavic language.

Aside from the vampires, you know this is a work of fiction because two women are all over Donal Logue. This opening scene is fucking fantastic. Blade breaks up a bloody rave and kills a hundred vampires with almost no effort. Wesley Snipes’s acting is for shit but he’s just so cool it doesn’t even matter. He’s the black Charles Bronson but with actual physical prowess and, therefore, absolutely more believable.

Why did Karen, a fine lady doctor, ever date this morgue ghoul? His name’s fucking Curtis, for chrissakes!

I forgot that Blade drops a “muthafucka”. As of 1997, this was the best Marvel movie, by far. Probably second best comic book movie after The Crow. Also, it was a far better screen achievement for Kris Kristofferson than Big Top Pee Wee.

The vampire council is a bunch of pussies. For once, Stephen Dorff is right about something. All these old fucks say as an argument is that he’s not pure blood vampire. How compelling?

With all the garlic these dudes buy, they should be in a bakery or pasta factory, not holed up in some shitty warehouse. Whistler tells Karen to jog on but with way too many words. Udo Kier looks so much more badass than he sounds. His name is the scariest thing about him, though. But it’s tough to take Frost seriously when he listens to a three second house music loop continuously.

Wait. Didn’t she just get out of the elevator? Did she switch and these two freaks followed her? The cop took an epic prat fall there. She’s a doctor and she’s worried about a broken table? Stingy. You mean to tell me that that briefcase full of blood bags came from a blood bank? Does this mean I can’t store blood in a Chase account?

Damn, the look of this movie is great. It’s slick and gritty at the same time. Too bad the music blows and just gets worse with these Asian girls’ screeching. Blade only smiles at the absolutely least appropriate times.

You’d think Frost would have something better to do than watch a translation program. I thought I just saw Johnny Drama. Then, Frost would be Vincent Chase and Donal Logue is definitely the Turtle. Vamptourage. That death scene wouldn’t have been half as cool without the rubber duckies. They made it classic.

Pearl, the record keeper and gelatinous cartoon voice actor. I love how Karen kills it even though its largess can’t move.

“Oh, no. We’re a bunch of vampires but old man just showed up. We’re doomed!” Whistler totally just pulled a Murtaugh. That jumping in front of the train effect looks pretty shitty now. Donal Logue getting punked out is the best thing. Just noticed that, under his armor, Blade is just wearing a huntong jacket turned inside out.

How does a drifter come a-calling?

“What have you done with Dragon Eddie?” Probably not the right spelling but I thought it was an awesome-sounding name.

Why does Whistler know what a vampire’s ass smells like? One of his many secrets. I really don’t understand why these guys have let the doctor be part of the team. If she was just doing lab work, that would be fine but she has no combat experience. Why is she in the field? She also should not be dropping Mrs. Boucher-type wisdom.

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Even with all the sunblock, Frost’s eyes should burn when looks at the sun.

Maybe Blade’s born with it, maybe it’s Vampelline. These dudes are harsh. Of all the places to shoot Whistler, they hit him in his already fucked up knee. He is so old and feeble that he couldn’t even pull a sheet from over his face. That would make sense then that he returns in the sequel. His hand falling was just from the weight of the gun. He tried yelling for help but Blade was already all, “later, bitch”. He deals with grief with hate gardening.

I wasn’t sure if Frost was implying that Karen is getting any or needing to take a shit. He gut scurred before he turned. He’s like a petulant Bond villain only he gives away his plan when people tease him. No wonder he hasn’t accomplished anything. The little exchange with him and Logue is pretty great, though.

Blade is like a Terminator ninja. He dies flips and shit but always keeps moving forward. Blade’s mom only gets out of bed for a snack or to taunt her son. She makes Peggy Bundy look motivated.

I wonder if the chuckle at “dead by dawn” was some sort of shout out to Evil Dead 2. Curtis even seems now like the mother chained up under the cabin. Awkward…mom cutting her son’s shirt off. Maybe it’s a vampire thing.

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Blade is great and it isn’t just because it came on the heels of the torturous Batman & Robin. I mean, it wasn’t going to take much to make a better comic book movie.

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It’s aged pretty well but a little cornier than I remember. Normally, I would never say this but the movie would be perfect if there was a fraction of the dialogue.

 

Green Lantern: Extended Cut

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I’ve actually seen this before and while that was probably for the best, I don’t know how to leave well enough alone.

Ten minutes in and, maybe it’s the steak I’m eating, this isn’t really so bad. Not good, but pretty standard for this kind of movie. 14 minutes in and I now hate it. No movie’s success can survive the presence of Ryan Reynolds. Maybe it’s because I actually believe that he is as big an asshole as Hal Jordan.

They literally just stole this flight test sequence from the final battle of Iron Man. Am I really supposed to take Blake Lively seriously? I can only imagine having to score the music for these “emotional” moments. I’d be tempted to just put the Sandford & Son theme there.

Hal Jordan really is the shit, isn’t he? He fucks some random broad and runs out on her to avoid talking to her. He then makes like Topper in Hot Shots, complete with comedic acting (though not intentional). Then, after getting fired, he spends the evening at his nephew’s birthday party.

“Take it. “Close your eyes.” These are not things an adult should say to a kid, especially when they’re related. All of a sudden, Slimer flew into Hal’s chest. Abin Sur is giving him that old “give an old man a blowjob” look. And when he dies, he gets naked. That’s not dignified. I don’t like the way the ring and lantern look. The look like someone’s Czech grandmother’s weird ass baubles. Like an absinthe container that she uses for shitty butterscotch candies. The spaceship crashed how long ago and, only now, there are government goon squads coming to investigate. Fucking slackers in Coast City.

Sinestro: “A great light has vanished. Abin Sur is dead. Five other Green Lanterns…blah blah blah”

Guardians: “Uh, ok, well we only have like 3000 other ones. BFD. Beat it, Purple Stuff.”

The guardians are constantly showing brain. Get it? What the fuck is Hector Hammond eating? Sauerkraut and Tobasco on a Ritz? Gross. I feel really bad for Peter Sarsgaard right now. He looks even worse than Joaquin Phoenix is Her. For a genius, he has quite the retarded look on his face. Shit, they got Angela Bassett too? I hope they got fat paychecks. They don’t deserve this. I’m pretty pissed that we saw Ryut but not Atrocitus. Fucking nonsense.

The GL oath sounds like a lullaby to me. It’s still kinda badass though. Whose boss shows up to to their employees house dressed this way? Maybe Carol is starting a new business that Hal would be better suited, an escort service. Coral is a pretty girl but all it takes to convince her to dance is humming a song horribly following not remotely witty banter.

As the audience, we are supposed to dislike these four guys beating Jordan up. But these guys have a right to be pissed. They got fired through no fault of their own. This asshole got them fired. That, and he’s Ryan Reynolds. So what does this immature jerk do? Hits them with his fucking power ring. Big damn hero. Bull fucking shit.

Now I remember what I really hated about this. The CGI suit. Is it because it’s a green outfit and wouldn’t show up in the green screen? If that’s not a concern, you can still make only the center glow if you really need a glow worm effect. I’ve seen better graphics in video games than this hundred mil OA.

I like that Sinestro tells the other Lanterns that the guardians commanded this mission and not just some shit he made up himself. Am I watching a movie or playing Injustice: Gods Among Us. I would totally use Kilowog. If only it were true when Sinestro says “if you can’t act, you’ll die”. The two “leads” would have been dead a while ago.

Can’t imagine that launching a kid from out of his seat with your mind would stop him from thinking you’re a freak. Who the fuck signs their texts? Jeez, Dad, I think the fact that your number popped up on my phone let me know it was you. If the Lanterns are going to go all out in trying to destroy Parallax, I think it would have been smarter to conserve ring energy instead of flying all the way over there. A ship would have been more prudent.

I’d write more but this just isn’t interesting. Sarsgaard’s scream is kind of horrifying, though. Still not as scary as the fact that he now looks like Pizza the Hut and has a Pokemon wetnap on his desk.

“Hal, I wanna see it.”

“You ready to have your mind blown?” Jesus Christ pose.

“Wow.”

“I know. Right?”

Yep. Why does everybody pretend the suit looks good. Six year-olds are even thinking, “ugh”. How did it take her that long to know it was him? It’s not like he had a cowl or a full mask. It’s a fucking Zorro mask. Without the hat! She really is retarded. Mr. Ferris had better never die, otherwise the company is totally screwed.

This isn’t bad, so much as it is unwatchable. I don’t think I can do this anymore. Twenty more minutes at most. Maybe I should just fast forward past the RR exposition. That helped. Damn. Still more talking. More ring slinging! Did Joss Whedon still the end of Avengers from this? At least that was good and Ryan Reynolds-less. Nope. This makes no fucking sense at all. Parallax has devoured a bunch of Lanterns but is taken out by a punch? One punch!

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And that’s just one reason why even the shittiest Batman movie is still better than this. The message is fucking stupid as well. “His humanity turned out to be his greatest strength.”

So, John Stewart Green Lantern next time? Starring Idris Elba!

Game of Thrones: Episode 101

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Alright. I’m going to give this show a legit shot. Got the blu-ray of season 1 from the library, so no harm, no commitment. If this first episode isn’t the bomb, it’s curtains. Already, this young guy bossing everyone around has got to be a royal of some sort. No one that prissy would ever be in a position of authority unless he wasn’t born into it. He’s dead. No matter. Told you he wasn’t equipped to lead.

What the fuck is this thing now? Decapitations are cool though. Just realized that Sean Bean only takes parts now where he can have a beard and carry a sword. Then again, I only remember him from Equilibrium with Christian Bale. The writer of The 25th Hour, directed by one of The Sopranos‘ guys. Could have promise.

Welcome to Winterfell…a nice place to live. Did they have those little archery grips in this time? Also, I guess reality makes no difference in a world where wolfish things are going around chopping off people’s heads. These guys laugh at the kid fail. I like them already. “He won’t be a boy forever, and winter is coming.” Why does that sound so creepy? Why do they conduct their meetings in the most remote place possible? And I kinda missed what this dude’s offense was. He whimpers something, Sean Bean looks at him, and beheads him.

I’m already confused. Ravens deliver news here. What the fuck? Oh, Ned. You’re such a pushover.

I think they’re calling Tommy gay. That kid is totally not really doing these stunts. Brandon is like Sam from Diff’rent Strokes. Totally unfuckingnecessary. He has such an obvious tell. Learn to lie, kid. You’re royalty. It’s part of the territory. That little redhead is such a slut. She can’t be older than 13 and she’s giving dudes the eye.

And now Dom DeLuise is back from the dead and punking out Sean Bean. He has the nerve to tell someone else that they’re fat. This pig left his kingdom, sitting on his ass, eating pizza while Bean fought the good fight. What a piece of shit. “I need you. Be the hand of the king.” Give the king a handy. Holy shit. The king just pre-impreganted Bean’s kid.

What the fuck i this thing that just walked in? The white hair works on her but this guy is something out of a nightmare. Wait. Are they related? He’s touching his naked sister and then said, “You don’t want to wake the dragon.” That guy is sick. He’s like a gay, demented Quicksilver. Now, she has to get a closer look at some foreign manboobs. Now, The Great Khali is staring her down. This is way dumb. Perv and girl’s dad was on that show with Peter Capaldi (Twelfth Doctor), The Thick of It. Pretty funny. Jesus, now the guy is wanting a whole village to pull a train on his sister. When is she going to get pissed?

Peter Dinklage said bastard six times. Best dialogue ever. Too bad he meant it in its literal sense, rather than slang. So one family had someone killed. How am I supposed to keep any of this straight? There are a hundred families. So, in this culture, they don’t just watch porn. They have sex as public demonstration for all to enjoy. Then, a fight to the death. I’m cumming! Not really. This is messed up.

Just what every attractive blonde wants…books. Not to say she or blondes, in general, are dumb but if the shoe fits. Also, a tropical fruit of some kind. She’s hypnotized the masses just so she can touch a horse. The horse kept by non-Arnold Conan. “Make him happy.” Man, let me check the tea leaves to decipher this quandary. Except nothing has ever been so transparent. Come on, what more romantic time to be deflowered against your will than at sunset? Don;’t bother trying to cover your boobs, we’ve already seen everything.

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That’s what you get for being a pervert. Now, this guy’s going to toss you a few stories to the ground. Sweet. Knew it.

Verdict: I was totally lost but I grant that my attention has been divided. The ending was cruel enough to warrant watching the second episode. So I will. But I’m going to stop writing so I can pay attention and get back on track. Later.

 

You’re Next

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So far, I really like the previews. I kinda wanna see Texas Chainsaw and The Collection now. One of them had “Boobs” from True Detective. Not her character name. That’s just how I know her.

Who uses silverware for chimes? Assuming you have money for silverware, yet you can’t purchase separate charms? This chick just never buttons that shirt. Is she John Travolta or something? And she was fucking a guy that looks like Tom Robbins and Bill Paxton had a single fused and penetrated sperm between them.

And whenever there’s murder, the action always cuts to the tranquil countryside or mountain town. In every one of these type movies. “Ah, this is remote. There is no way we’re NOT safe.” Like the trees will save them. Selfish trees. Really shouldn’t have eaten that beef sandwich. Hurts so good.

This dude got caught in a lie and looked like he wanted to fart but ended up sharting. This woman is fairy attractive. What is she doing with Paul Giamatti’s fat younger  brother that is sharting?

This prissy bitch. Wait. That’s Barbara Crampton of Reanimator fame. Right? She still looks good. My grandma watched The Young & the Restless and made us watch and I seem to remember her from that. Maybe not. Her husband in this always plays a rich douche. He’s probably a stock broker that likes to dress like a lumberjack.

Did someone that speaks English actually write this? A lot of these words don’t sound right together. Oh, I get it. She’s probably a furry or maybe Australians just have lower standards. They were a penal colony and all.

This dude’s in fat denial and he’s hypnotized his girlfriend. Who goes to their neighbors’ house for milk? Is this the fifties? Was that Michael C. Hall? I bet he’s related to him. To IMDB!

Joe Swanberg, apparently. He’s somewhere in between Michael C. Hall and Ethan Hawke.

Everybody’s just so fucking happy, it’s sickening. I can’t wait for these idiots to get gutted. I mean it’s a given that some of the Cleavers here are getting their throats cut. All the women in this family wear wigs. Who would want to go meet these people. Retarded Dexter goes first, the smug prick. And his brother’s name is Crispin? Unless you’re Crispin Glover, you can’t bear the weight of that name. Who would be jealous of Fexter? That’s faux-Dexter. Shit. I missed something.

Oh, something’s going to come out of his mouth. Was that a tire iron shot into his head? Hawkeye’s on the loose! Maybe Green Arrow. Why are all the archers crazy? Shoot Fexter again!

“We are all going to die!” Yup. They shot a fucking painting, not your husband’s dick. What’s with the screaming?

“It’s going to be okay.” It is? You’re already down two family members and a minute hasn’t even passed. Get realistic, buddy. You’re screwed. Fexter is still alive? How? Wait. No way fatty is the fastest runner. I love it. They’re in mortal danger and they’re busy arguing over whether Fatty is fat. No argument. He is. They all too willingly want to send the daughter to her certain doom. Show motion running. Won’t end well. Awesome! I thought of that one. The old piano wire in the doorway prank. Gotcha! Three people out of nine are upset about this woman’s death. They knew she was going to die.

I’m Australian. I’ve seen some shit. Like Mel Gibson. I should be in charge. Like Charles. It’s the dude from the Wyatt Family. See! Crying never did anyone any good. Listening to screaming guy wearing a plastic mask is pretty hilarious. Not to mix wrestling metaphors but I think Goldberg is the killer. “You’re next.”

I love how this chick just runs past the whole family to save herself. I think the twist should be that she survives because her selfishness was the right thing to do. The more you know.

Ha! It’s naked bullshit rock-listening guy. Wow. I think that window was made of salt. Fatty’s carrying a butcher’s knife. Even now, he’s hungry. Cut your steak later. Maybe these guys are a secret government agency tasked with eliminating yuppie sleazoids. A song only a lunatic could love.

Every dramatic moment in this movie is proceeded by a character announcing it first. She fights like Russell Crow in a bar. That guy looks like Fatty. It’s his doppelganger. “Crispin’s a tough guy.” Maybe to you, you nancy.

That ain’t green iced tea, pal. Someone’s pissing in water bottles in your house. No plumbing up in the mountains? This whole family is on Prozac. No one is even reacting to deaths anymore. So, that’s why. Somebody should teabag the dead dad in his open mouth and take a picture. Call it “The Final Indignity”.

She wounds him and doesn’t go after him? Fucking Fester is STILL ALIVE. He’s David Arquette in Scream. There’s just no getting rid of him. And sucks just as much as David Arquette, the worst Arquette.

Is she making a board with nails? Not terribly innovative.

IS Kelly dead? Which one is she? He stabs him. “I’m sorry.” Then he stabs him a few more times. “Will you just die already? This is hard enough for me.” He means he gets off on stabbing his brother.

She really said she was going to check on the dead. I thought I heard it wrong but there she is. Checking. As if the bodies were going to initiate some manner of hi-jinks. Good. Just another half an hour of this to go.

I really insulted Hawkeye and Green Arrow comparing them to this guy. First, he uses a crossbow. Where’s the skill there? And his accuracy is appalling. I bet he thought, “but I was a master with the bow and arrow in Zelda”. It doesn’t work that way, you damned fool. This movie has devolved into an even more retarded Home Alone.

So, he’s paying for people to kill his whole family but has the audacity to be angry when being called a low-life? His girlfriend is a real winner wanting to fuck on top of his dead mom. Aussie has an even shittier phone than me. She’s either a real badass or these are the worst professional killers ever. She’s like Xena or something with a ever-so slight droplet of MacGuyver. I just imagined Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci opening that door and the ax(e?) goes into Stern’s sack. From that point on, he would actually sound like Fred Savage in the first few seasons of The Wonder Years.

Is someone taking pictures? What is that noise? I get it. It’s dumb. This Aussie is not fucking around. She doesn’t settle for shooting or stabbing you. She beats your head with heavy blunt objects until she breaks your skull. This is a pathetic fight. The guy slips in gravy, what a threat. This bitch is crazy hardcore. Is she meth’d up or something? I can understand the anger since these people really sucked. Fatty was part of it. Of course he was. Fat douche. He knows he’s fucked. He may not know she’s tough but  he knows that he’s a pussy.

He can’t talk his way out of anything. He knows it so he drops the one line he actually has a chance of working, “O’m gonna be rich.” There’s a third option. You die, Chubs. Stabbed him like a pig. A slow bleed? That makes for tender meat. Trey Parker was the cop that shot her. Looked like him anyway. Shooting a woman in the back. “Now you’re a ma-wan!”. This movie was pretty dumb with some of the worse music ever. Both created by the same guy apparently. This guy’s just as mediocre at both music and filmmaking. Congrats, Adam Wingard. You are officially a jack of no trades. That just makes you a jackass.

The Room

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Got my fortune cookies. Let’s roll.

First thoughts, the music is pretty sweet. Fortune cookie says: “Good news of long-awaited event will arrive soon”. I hope so.

I’m assuming that Tommy Wiseau is playing the role of Glenn Danzig as played by Bronson Pinchot with Balki Bartokomoose voice. Think about that.

This dude that just jumped in between Dantki and chubby chick in red has hair like Leonardo DiCaprio in Growing Pains. Even gay like him.

Is this supposed to stir something down below? This is what Skinemax would look like if it was on PBS. Is that a muscle suit? Ohh, boobs. His skins looks molded on. Is it me or have they been fucking forever? I guess anything they can do so he doesn’t have to do any dialogue. That said, he is also the writer-director so there’s no accounting for taste.

Is this why it’s called The Room? The camera isn’t allowed to leave the bedroom? Jesus, these chicks are almost as bad as Wiseau. His position his secure. Can we please cut to the next scene? My only hope is that this isn’t the best scene of the movie. I’d be stoked if it was the worst. You know? I don’t think they rehearsed together to have any kind of chemistry. It’s as if their having separate conversations. Their tone doesn’t match at all. That took so long for her to pour a half empty glass.

Seriously. How on Earth does this uggo think that everyone finds her attractive? “Lover-boy”. Worst delivery of a single word I have ever heard. This dude looks like a cross between Stiffler and Bradley Cooper. Holy shit. 7 year-old mute girls make out harder than that. What the fuck is with these strange songs? It’s sounds like someone mixed Barry White with Steve Urkel. Are they even singing English? This isn’t even foreplay. It’s maybe twoplay. Not even 2-ply toilet paper. I love that this dude is talking all noble. He totally passed the buck to her. Well played. And then he kisser her again. Classy.

“Sorry, Johnny. I didn’t know it was you.” Obviously, she had him confused with the creepy foreign version of David Yow wearing a Gene Simmons wig that also talks like he has bells palsy with an entirely nondescript foreign European accent. He looks like the Crow if he had Downs Syndrome.

“I don’t drink.” Yeah, right. In this messed up dimension where everyone finds this chick attractive, he’s gonna say no. You mean to tell me there couldn’t be a more attractive woman that would have played this part for cheaper? Maybe if she were an even competent actress but she is, maybe, the worst I have ever seen. I think I’m right on about this being “The Room”, aren’t I? Is this Tevin Campbell singing?

Are they on an airplane? Oh, no. It’s just the most maroon house I’ve ever seen. Oh, and by the way, she has breast cancer. Then the daughter says not to worry about it and lists absolutely no pertinent reinforcement as to why. No, she doesn’t want to talk to you. Neither one of them should talk.

Zack Ryder is in this? Well, I guess she is more attractive than blonde fuggo. Oh, chocolate. I thought he thought her skin was delicious. Is this about to go zombie flick. Homework? Isn’t he at least 27? Really, how many people do come though here? Does she even know them? “A father figure” he wants to see bang this ugly bitch. You do have have to go home. Wait. I thought this was the old lady’s place. Senile old bag doesn’t even know that’s her place.

Chris R.? Is that what he calls him? Tommy couldn’t think of more than three male character names so he had to add an R. to the second Chris? What kind of money? Monopoly money, dumbass. Now, he looks like if Christian Slater was a Lambda Lambda Lambda. “Let’s go home” because I can’t get through this poetry of dialogue. This guy’s voice is sexy like a community theater version of Jared Leto. Wiseau looks drunk. You’re so lucky. Wow. These dubs sound like they were mixed in out of sequence. What’s bothering him is that he can’t believe he’s into a chick that could fuck this roided up chucklehead version of Ian Astbury of The Cult. Tell him more about how hot you think his girlfriend is. He really knows how sound so heartfelt while being a piece of shit. He trusts you not to try and fuck the woman who thinks of you as her son. Johnny should send this little pud off the roof for being a little perv.

“He hit me. He didn’t know what he was doing?” That pretty much says it all. That one line encapsulated this entire movie. She’ll fuck around on Johnny but she doesn’t want to “devastate him”. Hmm. If you cheat on me but don’t want to break up with me, I still think your fucking aim is to hurt the dude. I bet the only thing he took any time to do was establish his hair as a supporting character. What the fuck is he even saying? Is he given klonopin before each take? Zack can’t stay, he has to “make out with her”. More people should express themselves like that.

Why are these dudes talking about each other’s underwear? Johnny is way too old to be hanging with these people, except for the old bag. Once again, mom, she still doesn’t love Johnny. I think this lady is, in a way, reprimanding the script itself. He doesn’t believe it? He likely can’t comprehend it. Check it out. I’m going to plug the phone line into the fax machine and that’ll really fix her. Toss the hair back. Gotta make sure to catch that brilliant facial expression. It’s like this guy is from a different dimension that happens to overlap into everyone else’s.

Wow, the coverage doesn’t match at all. He was looking to his left but the lawyer looking dude was behind him. Yeah, he’s really scared of Johnny wooing his lady. He just laughs at this pathetic loser. I make good money unlike you, Johnny, you fucking deadbeat. There are too many weirdos here. That conversation appeared truncated. I can’t see any other reason why a conversation would go from marriage instantly to barbecue chicken. Is that a huge collection of coasters on those shelves?

Johnny’s in the kitchen, he’s gonna go. Apparently, filmmaking and acting isn’t the only thing that Tommy Wiseau sucks at. These guys are going through some kind of elaborate fantasy, aren’t they? Oh, I didn’t you know you were up here. Tell me your problems and then we can make it. Is that even a real skyline? Are they in front a screen, not a green screen but one of those generic backgrounds in Sears photo. Clearly, he wasn’t thinking about Johnny when he was fucking Lisa. Unless he was…”Come on, Peter”. Amazing. The best piece of comedic writing in this and it was unintentional. Now that Mark has shaved, he looks like a surfing Jim from The Office.

Is that the guy from that show? Who was the third guy from that show with Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter? I know they were all in The State but this was more recent. Well, the other guy.

Why were they in those fancy suits like 2 minutes ago? I’m making money but refuse to divulge any details but feel it is entirely appropriate to follow up with asking about your sex life. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with the movie’s space-time continuum. And once again, we get the most sexless sex scene ever. You think they couldn’t possibly get progressively worse but they really do. This is revolting. I think they were told to pretend to have sex for as long as they would have actually had sex. Didn’t they say they were in Texas? Pretty sure the Golden Gate Bridge is in California. I think I finally nailed the acting school of Tommy Wiseau. Foreign inebriated Pauly Shore.

Her party dress is going to have to be the size of a sofa. Isn’t this Dylan’s house from 90210? I have never heard “XYZ, examine your zipper” before. What about his zipper? It was clear you were going to blow him. If he’s changed, I wonder if he wasn’t always so slow on the uptake. Lisa is going to end up getting beaten to death with a baseball bat like Glenn in issue #100 of The Walking Dead. No one can piss off so many people and still live? Especially in a movie. Running up these steps like Glenn Danzig as Rocky Balboa.

Johnny is a fucking bum and he has a Benz? Clearly, this movie’s universe is a bizarro version of ours. She really shouldn’t have married Lisa’s dad. Then, that whore wouldn’t ever have existed. I’m glad that at no point can I view any of these characters as victims because they are all, in their own way, equally annoying. He wrote this movie so that he had someone to sing to him on his birthday. What was the point in holding that close-up on him. He said nothing of any importance. Not that anyone else has yet either.

I guess there are a lot of Paleo lifestyle people because only Zack Ryder is eating any cake. How many people have to be shown exiting the apartment? They may as well have followed them all the way outside. This guy’s character has got to be the single dumbest in actual intelligence ever written. Who is this guy now that is chastising Lisa? Did I totally missed him earlier?

Wait a minute. Did I also miss some bit about her saying she was pregnant? Of course, there’s no baby. Can you guys not tell Johnny all of the horrible fucking things I’m doing to him behind his back? She has to think about her future, which will not include acting. It only makes sense that she’s the one demanding to eat cake. Bring it, Mark. No one messes with Gary Cherone’s stunt double.

What planet is he from? Another valid question. Why is Johnny sweating so hard already? What does Wiseau say: “chp-chp-chp-chp”. This kind of makes me think of what Courtney Love talking to Cloris Leachman would look like. Damn. Johnny went all mama joke on her. How does he not know who she was talking to? She was shouting while eavesdropped through the door. Just realized that he’s using a damned cassette player. Is this 1988? He treats her like “a princes”. How did he get such a clear conversation on both ends with a cassette recorder. Was he yelling at a baby to get out his life? It looked like he was yelling at a crib. I think Johnny’s about to wolf out. Now, he really is just making random sounds. It would be really sad if this is how he actually expresses anger and sadness. It would also be hilarious. He keeps a gun in an open treasure chest. Brilliant. That does not look forensically accurate. I think the fact that his eyes were open, he was not breathing, and had a shit load of blood leaking out his head might be a hint that he was dead.

I love how broken up she is over a dude she fucked over constantly. Again, Mark claims the higher ground and throws all the blame at Lisa’s feet. Maybe he’s a secret genius. He can be so oblivious but also be a master manipulator. Are those beef logs behind his head? That was the most non-ending to movie I have ever seen. It was like the ending of a DeGrassi episode where episodes would routinely end on a non-poignant non-sequitor.

Soundtrack credits. Never listen to Clint Gamboa and Kitra Williams songs. It’s hard to believe this many credits are necessary as Tommy Wiseau was somehow director and second unit director. Tommy, if you are the director of the first unit, any unit you direct is the fucking first unit. Well, it’s over. Do I even check out the special features? There are actually deleted scene. Imagine. There were scenes that were ultimately considered subpar or nonessential to the overall plot of this masterpiece. I kinda have to see that.

“Let shoot some whores”? Is that what Denny said. That ought to liven things up. This almost seemed like acting. Naturally, this scene had to go. “It’s time someone ganged up on you”. What a lovely thing to say. Well, the kids is trying. Not crying like he’s supposed to but he’s really trying. An interview? I don’t think I want to do that. OK. That’s it for my watching of The Room. Thanks.