[In case you couldn’t guess, this blog is about what happens when I get mellow and then try to watch something. Here is what I was writing.]
OK. First installment. Was going to be Star Trek Into Darkness but I don’t feel like changing discs. So, I am now watching Doctor Who: Series Five. Disc 2 of Matt Smith’s first series. The episode is “The Time of Angels”. This is, I think the second appearance of the Weeping Angels. These fuckers are the bomb. They’re statues that kill. Like Death Bed: the bed that eats people.
Anyhow, River Song is busting out of prison by making out with guards. Amy and The Doctor are in a museum. Yawn. Amy is being kinda bitchy. She shouldn’t have shortened her name. Amelia belies wisdom and charisma. Stupid Pond.
“Hello, sweetie.” Ha!
When she says, “something to hang onto”, I hope she isn’t talking about her ol’ saggy sandies. That’s cheating on The Doctor, even if he hasn’t married you yet. Are they even legally married? Maybe it was one of those like on Firefly when Mal married Christina Hendricks. Sorry, but no man has that amount of restraint to pass up on that. Fuck. She’s hot and you’re married and she’s into it. Why is Book talking about that “special hell” when all seems on the up and up. Morena Baccarin isn’t that much hotter than Christina Hendricks to put up with her crap, and the whoring!
Amy sounds like a Dalek, “Explain”. They were all gonna ditch River on this planet. We, against all laws of probability and science, caught you in the TARDIS in the middle of space without you freezing solid. I’m calling bullshit. How did I not put together the Pond-River thing? Maybe if there was a Ricki Lake, then I would have figured it out.
And then, like some swirling farts, these assholes in sand camouflage appear. It is piss yellow in their base. You tell her, Doctor. Fucking dogs. Be right back. My idiot sister snapped at me for trying to take some roast beef. She wants me to apologize for “being mean”. She bitches constantly and doesn’t understand anything, the ninny.
Grumpy face, how, when facing the pouty blowjob face? This is the 55th century and they can’t do any better than a betamax transfer of a convenience store surveillance camera? Like rabbits? Doctor, you saucy minx…Nobody needs you, Amy. Unless you’re handing out…handies. This recording thing is nonsense. Why are these companions so helpless? It’s like those kids from Space Ghost. At some point, don’t you have to cut the fucking chord? Even the monkey was more useful and that motherfucker was all thumbs. See what I did there?
The Angel is going to turn her into a commercial or a re-run of One Day At a Time. I guess any of those episodes are going to be re-runs. Yeah, Re-Run. Shirley! Yous a bitch. And then she slaps him in the face with a piece of raw steak. For a bishop, he’s a shitty military leader type. This cave looks like the lower level of the Field Museum, the part with all dirt everywhere.
Gross. That much sand in the eye would be the most agonizing thing ever. River doesn’t look like Amy OR Rory. I don’t think she’s really their kid. I like how Amy doesn’t know that she’s that she’s talking about The Doctor and her daughter knocking boots. That’s disturbing. Now, they’ve entered the Indiana Jones portion of the MGM tour. “Come and see it.” Shit. A bunch of dudes in a cave and you want to guess what he wants to “show” the other guy?
The Doctor just talked shit about that soldier. He may as well have farted into his hand and then put his hand to the soldier’s face. What’s that called when you do that? Is there a name? I will call it a Poo Wave. It smells like poo and then you wave it in their face. Perfect.
The music just got all dramatic. What was that about two heads? He just almost killed them all and with a smile on his face. Scary. Seriously. There is no way they could have survived against all these angels. “Come here, Bob…Come and see”, cum and see. See my cum. Blammo. Ham house!
There’s always dead people on the Coms. How is everyone so, fuck. I forgot. That thing is steaming. Some soldiers. Boy scouts come way more prepared than these fools. You can never out him in a trap? Terrible line. Damn. Part 2 is on disc 3. Here I go. I really want that beef now.
Crap. Just realized I could have been watching Agents of SHIELD. Oh, well. Better finish this two parter. Torchwood preview. Yuck. The Doctor just shot a purple goo sac. Do they really have to spin the camera so much? How do you even kill a Weeping Angel? What breaks down stone? Salt water? I need a wall that slides open. They’re going to try and escape through the jungle. If Swamp Thing came out, that would rule. Dead Bob again. Angel Bob. Wow. The Doctor really looks panicked. He’s acting all cool but he is taking deep breaths. That’s method. They just showed up at Jurassic Park. The Alien egg is opening. Ripley! Shut it, Newt.
Show those soccer skills, Matt Smith. Dodge them stone bitches. Amy’s got a headache. I’ve heard that one before. They should have hammers to smash the angels. These statues are dicks. How dumb that closing your eyes, oh wait. I get it. “Respect the thing.” That big orange bastard? He always comes back. Never mind that it’s sometimes decades later at a time.
“There never was a Pedro”. Well then, I guess a magical fairy built you this cake, huh? Fuck you, dude. I’m to mold a fondant ice pick and shove it up your ass. Hey, Amy. You’ve got to come see this. I like how he tells her to move because if the time light energy catches up to her, she’ll then be erased from existence. Then, she stands there. When she DOES start walking, she may as well crawl. She keeps sniffing like she’s a hunter dog or something. Police drug sniffing dog. Actually showing the statues moving. Creepy as hell. Of course, she just teleported. ‘Cause that happens every day.
The angels are flying like chess pieces being thrown into the air by a sore loser. Are they on the beach from the end of The Goonies? Fucking pirate ship. Just got a text and a free Zune. That lady is gold. SPOILERS! The Pandorica. Can’t be good. It’s like the encyclopedia of Pandora. And with another fart, River is swept away. This looks more like the beach from Battlestar Galactica when they found Earth. Now, Amy is going to “show” The Doctor “something”. Scottish accent is hot. I guess I’d never heard a woman with a Scottish accent. Except what’s her face from Trainspotting that’s on Boardwalk Empire. Holy crap. I don’t remember her making out with him. Now get in the TARDIS so I can bang you. And credits. Turning this off because the sweeping through the clouds is making me sick.