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The Room


Got my fortune cookies. Let’s roll.

First thoughts, the music is pretty sweet. Fortune cookie says: “Good news of long-awaited event will arrive soon”. I hope so.

I’m assuming that Tommy Wiseau is playing the role of Glenn Danzig as played by Bronson Pinchot with Balki Bartokomoose voice. Think about that.

This dude that just jumped in between Dantki and chubby chick in red has hair like Leonardo DiCaprio in Growing Pains. Even gay like him.

Is this supposed to stir something down below? This is what Skinemax would look like if it was on PBS. Is that a muscle suit? Ohh, boobs. His skins looks molded on. Is it me or have they been fucking forever? I guess anything they can do so he doesn’t have to do any dialogue. That said, he is also the writer-director so there’s no accounting for taste.

Is this why it’s called The Room? The camera isn’t allowed to leave the bedroom? Jesus, these chicks are almost as bad as Wiseau. His position his secure. Can we please cut to the next scene? My only hope is that this isn’t the best scene of the movie. I’d be stoked if it was the worst. You know? I don’t think they rehearsed together to have any kind of chemistry. It’s as if their having separate conversations. Their tone doesn’t match at all. That took so long for her to pour a half empty glass.

Seriously. How on Earth does this uggo think that everyone finds her attractive? “Lover-boy”. Worst delivery of a single word I have ever heard. This dude looks like a cross between Stiffler and Bradley Cooper. Holy shit. 7 year-old mute girls make out harder than that. What the fuck is with these strange songs? It’s sounds like someone mixed Barry White with Steve Urkel. Are they even singing English? This isn’t even foreplay. It’s maybe twoplay. Not even 2-ply toilet paper. I love that this dude is talking all noble. He totally passed the buck to her. Well played. And then he kisser her again. Classy.

“Sorry, Johnny. I didn’t know it was you.” Obviously, she had him confused with the creepy foreign version of David Yow wearing a Gene Simmons wig that also talks like he has bells palsy with an entirely nondescript foreign European accent. He looks like the Crow if he had Downs Syndrome.

“I don’t drink.” Yeah, right. In this messed up dimension where everyone finds this chick attractive, he’s gonna say no. You mean to tell me there couldn’t be a more attractive woman that would have played this part for cheaper? Maybe if she were an even competent actress but she is, maybe, the worst I have ever seen. I think I’m right on about this being “The Room”, aren’t I? Is this Tevin Campbell singing?

Are they on an airplane? Oh, no. It’s just the most maroon house I’ve ever seen. Oh, and by the way, she has breast cancer. Then the daughter says not to worry about it and lists absolutely no pertinent reinforcement as to why. No, she doesn’t want to talk to you. Neither one of them should talk.

Zack Ryder is in this? Well, I guess she is more attractive than blonde fuggo. Oh, chocolate. I thought he thought her skin was delicious. Is this about to go zombie flick. Homework? Isn’t he at least 27? Really, how many people do come though here? Does she even know them? “A father figure” he wants to see bang this ugly bitch. You do have have to go home. Wait. I thought this was the old lady’s place. Senile old bag doesn’t even know that’s her place.

Chris R.? Is that what he calls him? Tommy couldn’t think of more than three male character names so he had to add an R. to the second Chris? What kind of money? Monopoly money, dumbass. Now, he looks like if Christian Slater was a Lambda Lambda Lambda. “Let’s go home” because I can’t get through this poetry of dialogue. This guy’s voice is sexy like a community theater version of Jared Leto. Wiseau looks drunk. You’re so lucky. Wow. These dubs sound like they were mixed in out of sequence. What’s bothering him is that he can’t believe he’s into a chick that could fuck this roided up chucklehead version of Ian Astbury of The Cult. Tell him more about how hot you think his girlfriend is. He really knows how sound so heartfelt while being a piece of shit. He trusts you not to try and fuck the woman who thinks of you as her son. Johnny should send this little pud off the roof for being a little perv.

“He hit me. He didn’t know what he was doing?” That pretty much says it all. That one line encapsulated this entire movie. She’ll fuck around on Johnny but she doesn’t want to “devastate him”. Hmm. If you cheat on me but don’t want to break up with me, I still think your fucking aim is to hurt the dude. I bet the only thing he took any time to do was establish his hair as a supporting character. What the fuck is he even saying? Is he given klonopin before each take? Zack can’t stay, he has to “make out with her”. More people should express themselves like that.

Why are these dudes talking about each other’s underwear? Johnny is way too old to be hanging with these people, except for the old bag. Once again, mom, she still doesn’t love Johnny. I think this lady is, in a way, reprimanding the script itself. He doesn’t believe it? He likely can’t comprehend it. Check it out. I’m going to plug the phone line into the fax machine and that’ll really fix her. Toss the hair back. Gotta make sure to catch that brilliant facial expression. It’s like this guy is from a different dimension that happens to overlap into everyone else’s.

Wow, the coverage doesn’t match at all. He was looking to his left but the lawyer looking dude was behind him. Yeah, he’s really scared of Johnny wooing his lady. He just laughs at this pathetic loser. I make good money unlike you, Johnny, you fucking deadbeat. There are too many weirdos here. That conversation appeared truncated. I can’t see any other reason why a conversation would go from marriage instantly to barbecue chicken. Is that a huge collection of coasters on those shelves?

Johnny’s in the kitchen, he’s gonna go. Apparently, filmmaking and acting isn’t the only thing that Tommy Wiseau sucks at. These guys are going through some kind of elaborate fantasy, aren’t they? Oh, I didn’t you know you were up here. Tell me your problems and then we can make it. Is that even a real skyline? Are they in front a screen, not a green screen but one of those generic backgrounds in Sears photo. Clearly, he wasn’t thinking about Johnny when he was fucking Lisa. Unless he was…”Come on, Peter”. Amazing. The best piece of comedic writing in this and it was unintentional. Now that Mark has shaved, he looks like a surfing Jim from The Office.

Is that the guy from that show? Who was the third guy from that show with Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter? I know they were all in The State but this was more recent. Well, the other guy.

Why were they in those fancy suits like 2 minutes ago? I’m making money but refuse to divulge any details but feel it is entirely appropriate to follow up with asking about your sex life. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with the movie’s space-time continuum. And once again, we get the most sexless sex scene ever. You think they couldn’t possibly get progressively worse but they really do. This is revolting. I think they were told to pretend to have sex for as long as they would have actually had sex. Didn’t they say they were in Texas? Pretty sure the Golden Gate Bridge is in California. I think I finally nailed the acting school of Tommy Wiseau. Foreign inebriated Pauly Shore.

Her party dress is going to have to be the size of a sofa. Isn’t this Dylan’s house from 90210? I have never heard “XYZ, examine your zipper” before. What about his zipper? It was clear you were going to blow him. If he’s changed, I wonder if he wasn’t always so slow on the uptake. Lisa is going to end up getting beaten to death with a baseball bat like Glenn in issue #100 of The Walking Dead. No one can piss off so many people and still live? Especially in a movie. Running up these steps like Glenn Danzig as Rocky Balboa.

Johnny is a fucking bum and he has a Benz? Clearly, this movie’s universe is a bizarro version of ours. She really shouldn’t have married Lisa’s dad. Then, that whore wouldn’t ever have existed. I’m glad that at no point can I view any of these characters as victims because they are all, in their own way, equally annoying. He wrote this movie so that he had someone to sing to him on his birthday. What was the point in holding that close-up on him. He said nothing of any importance. Not that anyone else has yet either.

I guess there are a lot of Paleo lifestyle people because only Zack Ryder is eating any cake. How many people have to be shown exiting the apartment? They may as well have followed them all the way outside. This guy’s character has got to be the single dumbest in actual intelligence ever written. Who is this guy now that is chastising Lisa? Did I totally missed him earlier?

Wait a minute. Did I also miss some bit about her saying she was pregnant? Of course, there’s no baby. Can you guys not tell Johnny all of the horrible fucking things I’m doing to him behind his back? She has to think about her future, which will not include acting. It only makes sense that she’s the one demanding to eat cake. Bring it, Mark. No one messes with Gary Cherone’s stunt double.

What planet is he from? Another valid question. Why is Johnny sweating so hard already? What does Wiseau say: “chp-chp-chp-chp”. This kind of makes me think of what Courtney Love talking to Cloris Leachman would look like. Damn. Johnny went all mama joke on her. How does he not know who she was talking to? She was shouting while eavesdropped through the door. Just realized that he’s using a damned cassette player. Is this 1988? He treats her like “a princes”. How did he get such a clear conversation on both ends with a cassette recorder. Was he yelling at a baby to get out his life? It looked like he was yelling at a crib. I think Johnny’s about to wolf out. Now, he really is just making random sounds. It would be really sad if this is how he actually expresses anger and sadness. It would also be hilarious. He keeps a gun in an open treasure chest. Brilliant. That does not look forensically accurate. I think the fact that his eyes were open, he was not breathing, and had a shit load of blood leaking out his head might be a hint that he was dead.

I love how broken up she is over a dude she fucked over constantly. Again, Mark claims the higher ground and throws all the blame at Lisa’s feet. Maybe he’s a secret genius. He can be so oblivious but also be a master manipulator. Are those beef logs behind his head? That was the most non-ending to movie I have ever seen. It was like the ending of a DeGrassi episode where episodes would routinely end on a non-poignant non-sequitor.

Soundtrack credits. Never listen to Clint Gamboa and Kitra Williams songs. It’s hard to believe this many credits are necessary as Tommy Wiseau was somehow director and second unit director. Tommy, if you are the director of the first unit, any unit you direct is the fucking first unit. Well, it’s over. Do I even check out the special features? There are actually deleted scene. Imagine. There were scenes that were ultimately considered subpar or nonessential to the overall plot of this masterpiece. I kinda have to see that.

“Let shoot some whores”? Is that what Denny said. That ought to liven things up. This almost seemed like acting. Naturally, this scene had to go. “It’s time someone ganged up on you”. What a lovely thing to say. Well, the kids is trying. Not crying like he’s supposed to but he’s really trying. An interview? I don’t think I want to do that. OK. That’s it for my watching of The Room. Thanks.



About The Social Retard

Hi there. Was that too forward?

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