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You’re Next


So far, I really like the previews. I kinda wanna see Texas Chainsaw and The Collection now. One of them had “Boobs” from True Detective. Not her character name. That’s just how I know her.

Who uses silverware for chimes? Assuming you have money for silverware, yet you can’t purchase separate charms? This chick just never buttons that shirt. Is she John Travolta or something? And she was fucking a guy that looks like Tom Robbins and Bill Paxton had a single fused and penetrated sperm between them.

And whenever there’s murder, the action always cuts to the tranquil countryside or mountain town. In every one of these type movies. “Ah, this is remote. There is no way we’re NOT safe.” Like the trees will save them. Selfish trees. Really shouldn’t have eaten that beef sandwich. Hurts so good.

This dude got caught in a lie and looked like he wanted to fart but ended up sharting. This woman is fairy attractive. What is she doing with Paul Giamatti’s fat younger  brother that is sharting?

This prissy bitch. Wait. That’s Barbara Crampton of Reanimator fame. Right? She still looks good. My grandma watched The Young & the Restless and made us watch and I seem to remember her from that. Maybe not. Her husband in this always plays a rich douche. He’s probably a stock broker that likes to dress like a lumberjack.

Did someone that speaks English actually write this? A lot of these words don’t sound right together. Oh, I get it. She’s probably a furry or maybe Australians just have lower standards. They were a penal colony and all.

This dude’s in fat denial and he’s hypnotized his girlfriend. Who goes to their neighbors’ house for milk? Is this the fifties? Was that Michael C. Hall? I bet he’s related to him. To IMDB!

Joe Swanberg, apparently. He’s somewhere in between Michael C. Hall and Ethan Hawke.

Everybody’s just so fucking happy, it’s sickening. I can’t wait for these idiots to get gutted. I mean it’s a given that some of the Cleavers here are getting their throats cut. All the women in this family wear wigs. Who would want to go meet these people. Retarded Dexter goes first, the smug prick. And his brother’s name is Crispin? Unless you’re Crispin Glover, you can’t bear the weight of that name. Who would be jealous of Fexter? That’s faux-Dexter. Shit. I missed something.

Oh, something’s going to come out of his mouth. Was that a tire iron shot into his head? Hawkeye’s on the loose! Maybe Green Arrow. Why are all the archers crazy? Shoot Fexter again!

“We are all going to die!” Yup. They shot a fucking painting, not your husband’s dick. What’s with the screaming?

“It’s going to be okay.” It is? You’re already down two family members and a minute hasn’t even passed. Get realistic, buddy. You’re screwed. Fexter is still alive? How? Wait. No way fatty is the fastest runner. I love it. They’re in mortal danger and they’re busy arguing over whether Fatty is fat. No argument. He is. They all too willingly want to send the daughter to her certain doom. Show motion running. Won’t end well. Awesome! I thought of that one. The old piano wire in the doorway prank. Gotcha! Three people out of nine are upset about this woman’s death. They knew she was going to die.

I’m Australian. I’ve seen some shit. Like Mel Gibson. I should be in charge. Like Charles. It’s the dude from the Wyatt Family. See! Crying never did anyone any good. Listening to screaming guy wearing a plastic mask is pretty hilarious. Not to mix wrestling metaphors but I think Goldberg is the killer. “You’re next.”

I love how this chick just runs past the whole family to save herself. I think the twist should be that she survives because her selfishness was the right thing to do. The more you know.

Ha! It’s naked bullshit rock-listening guy. Wow. I think that window was made of salt. Fatty’s carrying a butcher’s knife. Even now, he’s hungry. Cut your steak later. Maybe these guys are a secret government agency tasked with eliminating yuppie sleazoids. A song only a lunatic could love.

Every dramatic moment in this movie is proceeded by a character announcing it first. She fights like Russell Crow in a bar. That guy looks like Fatty. It’s his doppelganger. “Crispin’s a tough guy.” Maybe to you, you nancy.

That ain’t green iced tea, pal. Someone’s pissing in water bottles in your house. No plumbing up in the mountains? This whole family is on Prozac. No one is even reacting to deaths anymore. So, that’s why. Somebody should teabag the dead dad in his open mouth and take a picture. Call it “The Final Indignity”.

She wounds him and doesn’t go after him? Fucking Fester is STILL ALIVE. He’s David Arquette in Scream. There’s just no getting rid of him. And sucks just as much as David Arquette, the worst Arquette.

Is she making a board with nails? Not terribly innovative.

IS Kelly dead? Which one is she? He stabs him. “I’m sorry.” Then he stabs him a few more times. “Will you just die already? This is hard enough for me.” He means he gets off on stabbing his brother.

She really said she was going to check on the dead. I thought I heard it wrong but there she is. Checking. As if the bodies were going to initiate some manner of hi-jinks. Good. Just another half an hour of this to go.

I really insulted Hawkeye and Green Arrow comparing them to this guy. First, he uses a crossbow. Where’s the skill there? And his accuracy is appalling. I bet he thought, “but I was a master with the bow and arrow in Zelda”. It doesn’t work that way, you damned fool. This movie has devolved into an even more retarded Home Alone.

So, he’s paying for people to kill his whole family but has the audacity to be angry when being called a low-life? His girlfriend is a real winner wanting to fuck on top of his dead mom. Aussie has an even shittier phone than me. She’s either a real badass or these are the worst professional killers ever. She’s like Xena or something with a ever-so slight droplet of MacGuyver. I just imagined Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci opening that door and the ax(e?) goes into Stern’s sack. From that point on, he would actually sound like Fred Savage in the first few seasons of The Wonder Years.

Is someone taking pictures? What is that noise? I get it. It’s dumb. This Aussie is not fucking around. She doesn’t settle for shooting or stabbing you. She beats your head with heavy blunt objects until she breaks your skull. This is a pathetic fight. The guy slips in gravy, what a threat. This bitch is crazy hardcore. Is she meth’d up or something? I can understand the anger since these people really sucked. Fatty was part of it. Of course he was. Fat douche. He knows he’s fucked. He may not know she’s tough but  he knows that he’s a pussy.

He can’t talk his way out of anything. He knows it so he drops the one line he actually has a chance of working, “O’m gonna be rich.” There’s a third option. You die, Chubs. Stabbed him like a pig. A slow bleed? That makes for tender meat. Trey Parker was the cop that shot her. Looked like him anyway. Shooting a woman in the back. “Now you’re a ma-wan!”. This movie was pretty dumb with some of the worse music ever. Both created by the same guy apparently. This guy’s just as mediocre at both music and filmmaking. Congrats, Adam Wingard. You are officially a jack of no trades. That just makes you a jackass.


About The Social Retard

Hi there. Was that too forward?

One response to “You’re Next

  1. This sounds like a night at Texas Roadhouse gone horribly awry. The movie, not the blog post.

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