Posted on

Green Lantern: Extended Cut

51pEuvDAGXL__SX500_

I’ve actually seen this before and while that was probably for the best, I don’t know how to leave well enough alone.

Ten minutes in and, maybe it’s the steak I’m eating, this isn’t really so bad. Not good, but pretty standard for this kind of movie. 14 minutes in and I now hate it. No movie’s success can survive the presence of Ryan Reynolds. Maybe it’s because I actually believe that he is as big an asshole as Hal Jordan.

They literally just stole this flight test sequence from the final battle of Iron Man. Am I really supposed to take Blake Lively seriously? I can only imagine having to score the music for these “emotional” moments. I’d be tempted to just put the Sandford & Son theme there.

Hal Jordan really is the shit, isn’t he? He fucks some random broad and runs out on her to avoid talking to her. He then makes like Topper in Hot Shots, complete with comedic acting (though not intentional). Then, after getting fired, he spends the evening at his nephew’s birthday party.

“Take it. “Close your eyes.” These are not things an adult should say to a kid, especially when they’re related. All of a sudden, Slimer flew into Hal’s chest. Abin Sur is giving him that old “give an old man a blowjob” look. And when he dies, he gets naked. That’s not dignified. I don’t like the way the ring and lantern look. The look like someone’s Czech grandmother’s weird ass baubles. Like an absinthe container that she uses for shitty butterscotch candies. The spaceship crashed how long ago and, only now, there are government goon squads coming to investigate. Fucking slackers in Coast City.

Sinestro: “A great light has vanished. Abin Sur is dead. Five other Green Lanterns…blah blah blah”

Guardians: “Uh, ok, well we only have like 3000 other ones. BFD. Beat it, Purple Stuff.”

The guardians are constantly showing brain. Get it? What the fuck is Hector Hammond eating? Sauerkraut and Tobasco on a Ritz? Gross. I feel really bad for Peter Sarsgaard right now. He looks even worse than Joaquin Phoenix is Her. For a genius, he has quite the retarded look on his face. Shit, they got Angela Bassett too? I hope they got fat paychecks. They don’t deserve this. I’m pretty pissed that we saw Ryut but not Atrocitus. Fucking nonsense.

The GL oath sounds like a lullaby to me. It’s still kinda badass though. Whose boss shows up to to their employees house dressed this way? Maybe Carol is starting a new business that Hal would be better suited, an escort service. Coral is a pretty girl but all it takes to convince her to dance is humming a song horribly following not remotely witty banter.

As the audience, we are supposed to dislike these four guys beating Jordan up. But these guys have a right to be pissed. They got fired through no fault of their own. This asshole got them fired. That, and he’s Ryan Reynolds. So what does this immature jerk do? Hits them with his fucking power ring. Big damn hero. Bull fucking shit.

Now I remember what I really hated about this. The CGI suit. Is it because it’s a green outfit and wouldn’t show up in the green screen? If that’s not a concern, you can still make only the center glow if you really need a glow worm effect. I’ve seen better graphics in video games than this hundred mil OA.

I like that Sinestro tells the other Lanterns that the guardians commanded this mission and not just some shit he made up himself. Am I watching a movie or playing Injustice: Gods Among Us. I would totally use Kilowog. If only it were true when Sinestro says “if you can’t act, you’ll die”. The two “leads” would have been dead a while ago.

Can’t imagine that launching a kid from out of his seat with your mind would stop him from thinking you’re a freak. Who the fuck signs their texts? Jeez, Dad, I think the fact that your number popped up on my phone let me know it was you. If the Lanterns are going to go all out in trying to destroy Parallax, I think it would have been smarter to conserve ring energy instead of flying all the way over there. A ship would have been more prudent.

I’d write more but this just isn’t interesting. Sarsgaard’s scream is kind of horrifying, though. Still not as scary as the fact that he now looks like Pizza the Hut and has a Pokemon wetnap on his desk.

“Hal, I wanna see it.”

“You ready to have your mind blown?” Jesus Christ pose.

“Wow.”

“I know. Right?”

Yep. Why does everybody pretend the suit looks good. Six year-olds are even thinking, “ugh”. How did it take her that long to know it was him? It’s not like he had a cowl or a full mask. It’s a fucking Zorro mask. Without the hat! She really is retarded. Mr. Ferris had better never die, otherwise the company is totally screwed.

This isn’t bad, so much as it is unwatchable. I don’t think I can do this anymore. Twenty more minutes at most. Maybe I should just fast forward past the RR exposition. That helped. Damn. Still more talking. More ring slinging! Did Joss Whedon still the end of Avengers from this? At least that was good and Ryan Reynolds-less. Nope. This makes no fucking sense at all. Parallax has devoured a bunch of Lanterns but is taken out by a punch? One punch!

int_jli_punch

And that’s just one reason why even the shittiest Batman movie is still better than this. The message is fucking stupid as well. “His humanity turned out to be his greatest strength.”

So, John Stewart Green Lantern next time? Starring Idris Elba!

Advertisements

About The Social Retard

Hi there. Was that too forward?

One response to “Green Lantern: Extended Cut

  1. I hate Ryan Reynolds.
    Anyone would have to be F’ed up to watch that tranny bucket.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s