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Blade

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First re-impression is that I realized that I haven’t seen this movie since whatever year The Shield premiered. Otherwise, I definitely would have remembered Kenny Johnson as the tool that makes out with Traci Lords for 3 seconds. Good work, if you can get it. I have also finally understood why Blade goes to Prague later in the series as everybody speaks some kind of slavic language.

Aside from the vampires, you know this is a work of fiction because two women are all over Donal Logue. This opening scene is fucking fantastic. Blade breaks up a bloody rave and kills a hundred vampires with almost no effort. Wesley Snipes’s acting is for shit but he’s just so cool it doesn’t even matter. He’s the black Charles Bronson but with actual physical prowess and, therefore, absolutely more believable.

Why did Karen, a fine lady doctor, ever date this morgue ghoul? His name’s fucking Curtis, for chrissakes!

I forgot that Blade drops a “muthafucka”. As of 1997, this was the best Marvel movie, by far. Probably second best comic book movie after The Crow. Also, it was a far better screen achievement for Kris Kristofferson than Big Top Pee Wee.

The vampire council is a bunch of pussies. For once, Stephen Dorff is right about something. All these old fucks say as an argument is that he’s not pure blood vampire. How compelling?

With all the garlic these dudes buy, they should be in a bakery or pasta factory, not holed up in some shitty warehouse. Whistler tells Karen to jog on but with way too many words. Udo Kier looks so much more badass than he sounds. His name is the scariest thing about him, though. But it’s tough to take Frost seriously when he listens to a three second house music loop continuously.

Wait. Didn’t she just get out of the elevator? Did she switch and these two freaks followed her? The cop took an epic prat fall there. She’s a doctor and she’s worried about a broken table? Stingy. You mean to tell me that that briefcase full of blood bags came from a blood bank? Does this mean I can’t store blood in a Chase account?

Damn, the look of this movie is great. It’s slick and gritty at the same time. Too bad the music blows and just gets worse with these Asian girls’ screeching. Blade only smiles at the absolutely least appropriate times.

You’d think Frost would have something better to do than watch a translation program. I thought I just saw Johnny Drama. Then, Frost would be Vincent Chase and Donal Logue is definitely the Turtle. Vamptourage. That death scene wouldn’t have been half as cool without the rubber duckies. They made it classic.

Pearl, the record keeper and gelatinous cartoon voice actor. I love how Karen kills it even though its largess can’t move.

“Oh, no. We’re a bunch of vampires but old man just showed up. We’re doomed!” Whistler totally just pulled a Murtaugh. That jumping in front of the train effect looks pretty shitty now. Donal Logue getting punked out is the best thing. Just noticed that, under his armor, Blade is just wearing a huntong jacket turned inside out.

How does a drifter come a-calling?

“What have you done with Dragon Eddie?” Probably not the right spelling but I thought it was an awesome-sounding name.

Why does Whistler know what a vampire’s ass smells like? One of his many secrets. I really don’t understand why these guys have let the doctor be part of the team. If she was just doing lab work, that would be fine but she has no combat experience. Why is she in the field? She also should not be dropping Mrs. Boucher-type wisdom.

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Even with all the sunblock, Frost’s eyes should burn when looks at the sun.

Maybe Blade’s born with it, maybe it’s Vampelline. These dudes are harsh. Of all the places to shoot Whistler, they hit him in his already fucked up knee. He is so old and feeble that he couldn’t even pull a sheet from over his face. That would make sense then that he returns in the sequel. His hand falling was just from the weight of the gun. He tried yelling for help but Blade was already all, “later, bitch”. He deals with grief with hate gardening.

I wasn’t sure if Frost was implying that Karen is getting any or needing to take a shit. He gut scurred before he turned. He’s like a petulant Bond villain only he gives away his plan when people tease him. No wonder he hasn’t accomplished anything. The little exchange with him and Logue is pretty great, though.

Blade is like a Terminator ninja. He dies flips and shit but always keeps moving forward. Blade’s mom only gets out of bed for a snack or to taunt her son. She makes Peggy Bundy look motivated.

I wonder if the chuckle at “dead by dawn” was some sort of shout out to Evil Dead 2. Curtis even seems now like the mother chained up under the cabin. Awkward…mom cutting her son’s shirt off. Maybe it’s a vampire thing.

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Blade is great and it isn’t just because it came on the heels of the torturous Batman & Robin. I mean, it wasn’t going to take much to make a better comic book movie.

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It’s aged pretty well but a little cornier than I remember. Normally, I would never say this but the movie would be perfect if there was a fraction of the dialogue.

 

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About The Social Retard

Hi there. Was that too forward?

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