Mad Max


Talk about a long layoff between viewings. I haven’t seen this one in, at least, 30 years. Being in my mid-30’s, I don’t remember it at all. Not having high hopes for this one since I actually managed to fall asleep in the theater watching Mad Max: Fury Road. I was stoned then, too.

All this car shit just makes me want to play Grand Theft Auto. Also, drive 80 mph through Naperville. Maybe hit some old folks in crosswalks. These accents remind me of the first time I saw Trainspotting. It thought it was the awful sound system in the movie theater that made it so difficult to understand the characters. Oh, shit. Little kid in traffic. If something happens, this kid is too young to qualify as hilarious cinematic violent acts against children. I feel like this is an organization that I should start.

“I am the knight rider.” The hell you are, bitch. There can be only one, and that’s The Hoff. Don’t believe me? Ask this fucking guy. Bet he hasn’t done shit since. His character was Mike Traceur. That makes perfect sense since what would you call a guy that just draws with ink right on top of an already pencil drawing? Just an inferior carbon copy. Just like you’re name…


So, Mel and his wife are the only people that can speak intelligibly. I never knew that Max was a cop. Weird. Not for nothing, but I prefer Martin Riggs as my Mel cop of choice. That was a pretty gnarly eye hanging from the socket shot. Is the fact that the bad guys all drive Japanese motorcycles a political commentary of an Australian view of Japan. I also was not aware that Ricky Gervais’s taller doppelganger is the leader of the gang. If you stretched Ricky like Taffy, he might look just like that. And when he tells this E.T.-looking fuck to take his hat off, I agree. That hat without a proper uniform to match it to makes him like an even bigger dipshit.

This whole dragging this kid from the bike is cool but confusing. Weren’t they just hanging out with this kid a second ago? I thought it was this shitbird. You knew the second they showed this cute girl and her voice of Roger Rabbit boyfriend that some bad shit was in store for them. I was pretty psyched for this music since I saw that it was composed by Queen guitarist Brian May. After listening only to toneless percussion so far, I did a bit of research and it was not, in fact, that Brian May. Le disappointed.

That dude’s name is Goose. If movies haven’t taught us anything, guys names Goose are cooked. See what I did there? Since this took place a decade before Top Gun, maybe it came from Mad Max. Just like how I believe that Trey Parker and Matt Stone took the South Park character Ned from the movie Monster Dog. In that movie, there was an army fatigue, sunglasses, and bandana-wearing guy with a goatee that gets his arm shot off. He may have also been shot in the throat.

Now, Goose is practicing his ball-gargling form. And because Australia is full of gay-hating psychopaths, he’s a fucking goner. Holy shit! His goose is about to cooked. I’m willing to bet that was intentional. Call me crazy. Just make the bad action movie joke and let’s move on. Weird how I thought it was funny when it was my idea. Ha! He didn’t say it. Joke’s funniness is restored. Huh, Liev Schreiber is in the gang too. What terribly bleached blonde hair. The screen shimmer effect that just rippled over Mel’s face, is that going to be a recurring thing every time he feels fear? He goes into a public restroom after Dr. John‘s night of all-you-can-eat buffalo wings and a gallon of Thunderbird. That effect goes over his face and he pukes all over himself. Australia is not a place of dignity. Look at Paul Hogan. And then look at Hulk Hogan. Then look back at Paul Hogan, and then turn to look at Paul Reubens. I could make this go all night.

Max is married to Ferris Bueller’s sister and is trying to turn her on buy talking about his dad’s shoes. You sweet talker, you. He really needs a mullet. I just don’t buy him as a post-apocalyptic bad ass without a mullet or a mohawk. “Toodle pip”. Jesus, Max, your wife talks to you like you’re a jackass. And with that fucking outfit, who could blame her? You look like you’re on the way to Sunday dinner, which is exactly what this Bob Seger gang member says they are going. If I am ever being intimidated while holding ice cream, I’m going to knee them in the nards and then smack them in the face with my cone. Ooh, your balls just got mashed so you can’t even enjoy the ice cream and now your nose is cold. That is hitting someone while they are down.

Still waiting for that Punisher origin scene. What a bitch Max’s wife is! Why did you call him Tarzan, an idiot part-apeman thing, when he has to fix this car or you’re completely fucked? Man, what a caveman jerkass. She’s so ungrateful and that’s ultimately why she must die. For the sake of the narrative and bringing balance to this universe, it must be so. The dog’s a better actor than her. And she is such a wimp. She couldn’t even outrun a mental. The way she coughs, she must have lung cancer. Hilarious that no one is watching the kid. He’s two and a half, he’s practically a man. Cundileenly? That is the name of my firsy as yet unborn child. Boy or girl, doesn’t matter. Either way, they’re going to get a lot of odd looks. The leader looks like Ricky Gervais but sounds like Tim Curry. He could be my new favorite actor.

Robbed of the big gore. “Dammit, Jim. I’m a doctor, not a fortune teller.” The other doctor needs different bedside manner. Just lie to the husband and tell him his wife will be okay. That way, when she dies, he’ll be sad and pissed off. It’ll be awesome. I’m getting dizzy from all these screen wipes.

I don’t know. I think getting your arm run over would hurt more than he’s selling it. John Cena must be a big fan of this movie. At least he’s limping. John Cena would get up like he was getting a beer from the fridge and wave his hand in my face like an insolent child. Also, siren or not, this car is not department regulation. I guess that would only be a problem if he was going to arrest them. I love that he got a guy squashed by a semi and then got some heroic horns to denote his noble deed. I guess an unattended motorcycle at a fork in the road is considered a bad omen in Australia.

I like that he doesn’t stick around to see what happens. I thought he said five minutes. That was maybe 30 seconds. And that was the end? That scene should have happened 20 minutes earlier. After he kills Toecutter or, more accurately, causes his death, that should be the final climax. I guess the point being that even though he got his proper revenge, he is going to keep after these Jap-lovers. Their words, not mine. Who are you going to believe, me or Mel Gibson? A man who is a notorious racist and weirdo. And this is where it all began. Kinda underwhelming.