First Blood

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Haven’t seen the non-TV edited version in a long ass time. It leaves Netflix tomorrow, so let’s hit it. When did this black family show up? I could have sworn that Rambo shows up in town, is instantly hassled by cops, and goes apeshit. This kind of stuff humanizes him. It’s the kind of deep shit you can always expect from a Sylvester Stallone movie. So many layers.

Enter Brian Dennehy, whom no one is asking what he would do…unless it’s advice for a donut purchase. Why would wearing the American flag antagonize Americans? I have never understood that. I think this was shot in 70mm. No wonder Quentin Tarantino insisted The Hateful Eight be in that aspect ratio. He’s an artist like Sly. Who is the director of this anyway? I saw the names of Mario Kassar and Andrew Vaj(i)na at the  beginning and they only ever produced classy pictures like Terminator and (original) Total Recall.

Everybody knows that Walking Tall was just a toothless version of First Blood, right? David Caruso looks like a neutered pedo version of Dexter. Is this movie set before Miranda Rights were a thing?

I swear that deputy said, “Rambo. Sanjay?”. Ol’ B.D. looks like he was hoping to be the Kingpin in a Daredevil tv show. If Rambo wasn’t all scarred, you would think this was gay porn the way Caruso swoons over his topless physique? They hose him down while that deputy drops another gem: “Don’t you like waterspouts?”. I rest my case.

The VC tortured him by making him play Jesus in community theatre. Oh, the horror. It would be awesome if Rambo was sent to this Sheriff’s station as a test of their vigilance. They can’t even keep Rambo in their custody for half an hour before he escapes (transit time included). This is as bad as Rosco chasing the Dukes as far as efficiency and ability go. They’ve been driving all the perceived bad elements out of town for decades. The reason being is that they wouldn’t know what to do with an actual criminal. Keeping the peace=being a shady character taxi service.

It’s just as tough to drive up mountains in this movie as it is with a muscle car in Grand Theft Auto. I wish that I was 1/20th as resourceful as Rambo is. He makes MacGyver look like Ed Grimley. He makes Bear Grylls look like Blair from Facts of Life.

I just came back from taking the garbage out and I must say that my enthusiasm for watching Sly run in a burlap sack is definitely waning. As he considers jumping into the waterfall, I must also posit whether or not I should make a Screen Haze first and switch programs. To be fair, I sat through You’re Next. It’s not that this isn’t great but I’m not 20 years old anymore, no matter what the tray of rum Jello shots downstairs implies.

Rambo on the radio sounds like a smooth R&B DJ. “Comin’ up at the top of the hour, we’ve got some Marvin Gaye, Wilson Pickett, and ‘I’m gonna kill you’. But right now, enjoy the dulcet tones of Mr. Sam Cooke.”

I don’t want to lump this in with other Stallone ridiculousness, but he did just destroy a cop’s face by throwing a rock from 75 feet away. Chuck Norris, on his best day, couldn’t be that badass. I also love that he had the wherewithal to grab his belongings from the police station before escaping.

John Rambo would have been a great Kung Fu character as he has the same comedic tenets. Violence against animals, cops, and old men. Throw in a beating for a crippled, Asian kid and you have something even better than Rumble in the Bronx.

I spent the last ten minutes trying to find Ed Grimley or Lisa Whelchel memes or GIFs. None were good enough to re-post.

Colonel Troutman is a massive dickbag. He’s just so smug. No wonder the sheriff is pissed. The Colonel is Rambo’s hype man. “He’s the fucking best at fucking everything a man can do! Only in America!”.

It feels like ages since Rambo killed anyone. Now, we are forced to listen to Troutman rattle of his favorite authors. Jon Krakauer is a good one. “They drew first blood” is really just there to sound badass and not so subtly sneak the movie’s title in the dialogue for commercial purposes. It’s also a gross embellishment of how the events had transpired.

There should be a whole sequence of weird places that Rambo is hiding in. First, some kid’s treehouse. Then, a porto-potty. Then, out of nowhere, he’s in a Hello Kitty costume.

These National Guard guys are total pussies, just like the only one I’ve ever met. He was a Nancyboy. They totally crafted the part where Rambo runs out of the mineshaft as the National Guard fired a rocket in it to resemble the end scene of Caddyshack. Rambo is the gopher. How do part-timers get access to rocket launchers?

Ach! So much talking!

I love the triumphant music as a rain lunatic is destroying public property and killing cops. OK, it’s official. I’m bored with this. Well, there are only 15 minutes left. Fuck it. I’d rather go get some crab dip.