WWE Extreme Rules 2016

Trying something a little new tonight, live blogging.

Just got home and it’s time for the first match of the night that I don’t care about: Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler. Are these guys athletic? Yes. Are these guys compelling? Not particularly. DZ’s tights look like they have dead Daredevil heads on them. I heard someone describe Corbin’s finishing move is essentially him giving himself the Rock Bottom. It looks kind of cool until you think about what it is. It sure looks like he’s finishing himself.

Renee Young is way too concerned with Dolph’s testicles. I absolutely love that no one likes Michael Cole. Kudos to him, though. How many people do you know of that have never improved at their job that have actually managed to keep it for over a decade.

The Usos are really fun…if you’re 3 years old. It took all of a second for the crowd to chan “Bullet Club”. If it wouldn’t be so weird for me to do so, I’d join in. I would really like to see what Karl Anderson’s WWE-approved finisher is. It’s too bad that he hasn’t won a match since joining the company. I hate how WWE makes me look like a racist just because they always force Samoans and Latinos to be so boring compared to white anti-heroes.

Doc Gallows seems to have aged ten years in the last two. Kevin Nash moves more fluid than him…now, at 57 years old. Is Gallows even 30? The problem with the Usos, other than their personalities, is that they are not as athletic as they are billed. Gotta love how another bald Anderson can deliver a wicked spinebuster. Bad guys should never ask, “Do you know who you’re dealing with?”. The good guys absolutely know who they’re dealing with. While you’re busy asking, they kick you in the face.

I was hoping Gallows was going to attack Jimmy Uso with Lillian Garcia as a weapon. Yay! LOLBULLETCLUBWINS!!! Finally. They already have the best theme song in WWE. We should get to hear it more.

This is the United States title, so we get a Mexican and a “Bulgarian”. This is also the perfect time to check in with our many foreign announce teams. I really don’t understand why Kalisto is still the champion. I don’t mind. He’s actually very talented. They just don’t have anything interesting for him. At least he made it to the actual main card this PPV. And Rusev is light years ahead of Ryback as it pertains to watchability. He actually has some rudimentary awareness of ring psychology. Two separate Lex Luger mentions in this match. No one wants to hear about Lex Luger. No one. Worst commentary ever. We should just have Lana clapping for play-by-play.

Love the hurricanrana DDT but, no JBL, that move has never beaten anyone. Fucking hell, that Accolade was brutal. Ring the bell before Rusev disembowels Kalisto. In slow-mo, it is decidedly less devastating.

They show a Ninja Turtle commercial because Sheamus is Bebop or Rocksteady, I don’t remember who’s who. I really dig that they are showing those characters’ origins.

Big E is carrying rakes. That’s almost definitely a response to “The Cleaner”, Kenny Omega. Man, New Day made some rotisserie chicken salad out of chicken shit with this gimmick. Oh, the rakes were hoes. I can’t believe they got away with “putting two hoes in the ground”. Their opponents are the Vaudevillains, a tag team that I still can’t believe is on the main roster. It’s like we went back in time a decade when teams all had to have ridiculous characters and distinctive facial hair.

Hey, Xavier Woods gets to wrestling tonight. And he just through the hadouken punch. They really are calling out Omega. Big E is so damned impressive that he should be murdering people. Aiden English even stole that Seth Rollins finishing move that he used once. VV’s offense seems to consist of throwing guys in or out of the ring. Big E! Get up! Ha! He destroyed him. I like it when “faces” cheat.

Everybody, I like A.J. Styles. I really do. He seriously needs to change his hair. He looks like a teen girl impersonator. He walked in da club, which is really just bathroom with a stationary tub where a toilet should be.

The fatal 4-way for the I.C. strap. This is guaranteed to be 75% classic, 25% dogshit. And, yes, The Miz is that dogshit. Why isn’t Kevin Owens the champion of everything? Why is Cesaro’s new gimmick a James Bond-themed male stripper? I keep thinking that Sami Zayn is going to drive me in his taxi or sell me a newspaper. The only thing good about The Miz is Maryse.

I really hate JBL. Who is Audie Murphy? Just because you qualify you comparison by saying a guy is the “Modern Day [Name] doesn’t mean that anyone is old enough to remember who you’re talking about. Oh, shit. Cesaro vs. Zayn IV. How can Vince McMahon say that Cesaro doesn’t connect with fans? He’s over as hell. There is really nothing he can’t do in the ring. It’s gotta be weird for wrestlers when young dudes feel the need to touch their bare chests.

“Miz, I believe, suckered him in”. Yes, Michael, anyone with eyes could tell. Your believe has no bearing on reality. KO is a good deal puffier than I remember. This match has shrunk down to Owens vs. Zayn. Nothing wrong with that. And like Miz does, he ruins everything. Two people in the crowd think “this is awesome”. Miz can’t even win a cool finishing move because he’s so lame. Referees need to learn to be less retarded. The only ones on the ball are the corrupt ones.

It’s no surprise that this match had been a lot of fun. I just wish that Miz would eat all the finishers and the pin. That’s why the exact opposite happens.

The Asylum match, ugh. “Perry Saturn is smiling somewhere”. I doubt it, JBL. Last I heard, Saturn was homeless and crazy. If he is smiling, it’s because he’s insane, not happy.Maybe that’s what JBL meant, since this is an Asylum match. Heel Chris Jericho is the only Jericho worth having. If Ralphus isn’t dead, he should come back. Like Kalisto, I like Dean Ambrose but dude needs a direction. JBL should pick on Byron Saxton more. It’s the only time he’s tolerable.

“He just poked Jericho in the ear with a mop!” That’s almost as good as “The Rock just put Billy Gunn’s face in that large woman’s ass! I just said that, King!”. This match premise is so dumb, even Jericho’s banter can’t save it. He must have been hearing the commentary and figured his would be better. Couldn’t be worse. This is moving SO SLOWLY. Damn, Ambrose hit Y2J in the face with a leather strap.

According to JBL, everyone on this card is like Terry Funk. Man, I’ve completely lost interest in writing about this nonsense.

Purple Rain

 

Purple Rain

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to…”,  fuck, this it going to be hard. The rain may not be purple but that’s because it is likely falling from my eyes. Believe it or not, this is the first time I’m watching the film. Weird, seeing as Purple Rain is my favorite Prince album (it is his one perfect record) and that I have seen Graffiti Bridge way too many times. That was premium channel cable in 1992, I guess. The only other movie I remember watching during that period was Silence of the Lambs.

First thought it is, goddamn, The Revolution was a badass fucking band. Imagine how much more amazing the world could have been had Prince just kept them around. That was a bit of a trick. The world would still blow and Prince could not have been more awesome. Damn, Apollonia, why are you talking over “Let’s Go Crazy”? Your shit is not more important than this. One regret I have in life is never seeing him live. He was just electric. Morris, who are who crappin’? On your best day, you can’t hold a candle to Prince. Also, challenging the guy wrote your damn songs is just bad business.

All that being said, “Jungle Love” is a sweet track. But, wait, does Jerome actually perform a function in The Time? Was he just a hype man? Even so, Flavor Flav made a shitload of money that way. I wish I had a hype man.

This is how you know this is a movie: in the Purple Rain reality, Prince and The Revolution can’t sell out a small club. That’s just plain crazy. Remember when Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis were a big deal? No? Not a huge surprise seeing as it was at least 20 years ago. I really do believe that Prince was cool enough that chicks would just hop on the back of his bike just randomly. I bet he got more hop-ons than the Bluth Staircar.

staircar1

Apollonia is such a star fucker. Courtney Love must have gotten a lot of tips from this flick. Whoa, didn’t see those coming. Never mind what I just said. Ah! Prince wins all over the place. He tricks some desperate wannabe starlet and gets to see boobs. Then, she kisses him for it. All part of his magic, I suppose.

Abbott and Costello, meet Day and Benton. Yeeesh.

The Revolution sans Prince is kinda rubbish. “Wendy?”, “Shut up, Lisa”. “Computer Blue” might have been funnier. Also, Lisa looks like a better looking Justine Bateman. Bobby Z is one creepy-looking fucker.

Seinfeld wishes he could rock the puffy shirt like Prince did.

Morris is such a terrible actor that his performance is oddly spellbinding. He gets by on all charm like a charismatic Tommy Wiseau.

How is the keyboard part still going after Prince gets up and goes to the microphone so he can remind Apollonia which guy totally owned her earlier and, therefore, she should choose him? Maybe not the best logic. I know for a fact that you do not go back with some woman, that disrobes before jumping into a nasty river, back to your parents’ place (which also happens to be your place). <insert emoticon of your choice>

It just got real. CW3 just lost it. Prince’s hair is even awesome while he’s sleeping. These two are a really awkward, adorable couple. I write this a millisecond before Prince slapped the taste of her mouth. Fuck, this is so dark all of a sudden. I am way bummed out now.

Yeah, Kid, better go see the boss before the old man in rainbow suspenders kicks your ass. Again, I know it’s a movie but I can’t get over the idea that a club could be looking to bump Prince and the Revolution from their lineup. This must be Bizarro world where Prince slaps women and Morris Day is the King of Minneapolis.With Prince gone in our world, that may actually be the case now.

I would like to believe that there is a parallel universe where Prince is still alive and The Revolution never broke up and there were never Star Wars prequels. Regardless, we are stuck in this shitty universe where all of that came to pass.

CW3 gives the sage advice, “Never get married.” Why couldn’t some friends of mine have watched this and learned?

Folks, you need to know something. Playing a guitar with a glove on is difficult. Maybe this is just me, though. Prince is kind of Axl Rose in this movie with this throwing a tantrum and storming off stage bit. A one song set of his is worth a week long set of Apollonia 6. They are, in a word, no damned good. There are what they call in the old country, rhinoceros shit.

Prince rollin’ in like a bat out of hell and force pushes Morris into some trash. He might be a “long-haired faggot”, Morris, but you still got punked out by dude in a purple coat and pirate shirt. Who’s the real faggot here, Morris? I know that this not the right time but I didn’t realize Prince punched lefty. Also, Apollonia took the earring off of the opposite ear that it was in originally. Just noting the lapse in continuity.

Why does the Kid ever go home? The question is whether it’s only that dysfunctional when he’s around or all the time? The gun didn’t fire until the Kid flipped the light switch, so I think it’s a fair question. Prince, bro, someone took a lot of time putting whatever that was into those jars and you just broke them. That was some, um, spaghetti sauce or something and now you’re wasting it.

Fucking hell! Who would dare make fun of “Let’s Go Crazy”? Ridiculous. These are some weird random shots of people in the crowd. Once again, I know this is a movie but starting your set with “Purple Rain” is just bizarre. That’s your finisher, man! Macho Man Randy Savage didn’t drop the flying elbow and then lock up with his opponent.

Crap, here come a few tears. I thought I was gonna make it though this unscathed. I just now realized that “Purple Rain” is a metaphor for heaven. No wonder the sermon at the beginning of “Let’s Go Crazy” and “Purple Rain” are the bookends. I’m sorry if I’m fucking retarded for not figuring this out for 32 years but I was fucking 5 when this came out so fuck off.

Not to discount the sheer splendor that is the title track but why is that the one that wins over the club owner? That guy seems like he should have been really into “When Doves Cry”, only they didn’t perform it. I love that he gives away tambourines that no one has used ever. Not sure I get the message of this movie at all except we are all so very flawed but, sometimes, you just have to accept it. All for love, how seemingly foolish.

What if Apollonia isn’t really there but just a figment of the Kid’s imagination. Seeing his dad shot made him snap and now he sees the specter of her as a constant reminder of his greatest regret. Although, he looks pretty thrilled for a haunted man. Why is the crowd suddenly on board with everything the band does? Where were these fuckers earlier? The Revolution has been shredding this entire movie! Fair weather turd curators.

So, correct me if I’m wrong, but the movie just ended with Prince guitar-jizzing the crowd. If it was anyone else, no way is that overlooked. There you go, we lost a man who could climax over a bunch of film extras and be celebrated. FFS, I miss him so much.