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Purple Rain

 

Purple Rain

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to…”,  fuck, this it going to be hard. The rain may not be purple but that’s because it is likely falling from my eyes. Believe it or not, this is the first time I’m watching the film. Weird, seeing as Purple Rain is my favorite Prince album (it is his one perfect record) and that I have seen Graffiti Bridge way too many times. That was premium channel cable in 1992, I guess. The only other movie I remember watching during that period was Silence of the Lambs.

First thought it is, goddamn, The Revolution was a badass fucking band. Imagine how much more amazing the world could have been had Prince just kept them around. That was a bit of a trick. The world would still blow and Prince could not have been more awesome. Damn, Apollonia, why are you talking over “Let’s Go Crazy”? Your shit is not more important than this. One regret I have in life is never seeing him live. He was just electric. Morris, who are who crappin’? On your best day, you can’t hold a candle to Prince. Also, challenging the guy wrote your damn songs is just bad business.

All that being said, “Jungle Love” is a sweet track. But, wait, does Jerome actually perform a function in The Time? Was he just a hype man? Even so, Flavor Flav made a shitload of money that way. I wish I had a hype man.

This is how you know this is a movie: in the Purple Rain reality, Prince and The Revolution can’t sell out a small club. That’s just plain crazy. Remember when Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis were a big deal? No? Not a huge surprise seeing as it was at least 20 years ago. I really do believe that Prince was cool enough that chicks would just hop on the back of his bike just randomly. I bet he got more hop-ons than the Bluth Staircar.

staircar1

Apollonia is such a star fucker. Courtney Love must have gotten a lot of tips from this flick. Whoa, didn’t see those coming. Never mind what I just said. Ah! Prince wins all over the place. He tricks some desperate wannabe starlet and gets to see boobs. Then, she kisses him for it. All part of his magic, I suppose.

Abbott and Costello, meet Day and Benton. Yeeesh.

The Revolution sans Prince is kinda rubbish. “Wendy?”, “Shut up, Lisa”. “Computer Blue” might have been funnier. Also, Lisa looks like a better looking Justine Bateman. Bobby Z is one creepy-looking fucker.

Seinfeld wishes he could rock the puffy shirt like Prince did.

Morris is such a terrible actor that his performance is oddly spellbinding. He gets by on all charm like a charismatic Tommy Wiseau.

How is the keyboard part still going after Prince gets up and goes to the microphone so he can remind Apollonia which guy totally owned her earlier and, therefore, she should choose him? Maybe not the best logic. I know for a fact that you do not go back with some woman, that disrobes before jumping into a nasty river, back to your parents’ place (which also happens to be your place). <insert emoticon of your choice>

It just got real. CW3 just lost it. Prince’s hair is even awesome while he’s sleeping. These two are a really awkward, adorable couple. I write this a millisecond before Prince slapped the taste of her mouth. Fuck, this is so dark all of a sudden. I am way bummed out now.

Yeah, Kid, better go see the boss before the old man in rainbow suspenders kicks your ass. Again, I know it’s a movie but I can’t get over the idea that a club could be looking to bump Prince and the Revolution from their lineup. This must be Bizarro world where Prince slaps women and Morris Day is the King of Minneapolis.With Prince gone in our world, that may actually be the case now.

I would like to believe that there is a parallel universe where Prince is still alive and The Revolution never broke up and there were never Star Wars prequels. Regardless, we are stuck in this shitty universe where all of that came to pass.

CW3 gives the sage advice, “Never get married.” Why couldn’t some friends of mine have watched this and learned?

Folks, you need to know something. Playing a guitar with a glove on is difficult. Maybe this is just me, though. Prince is kind of Axl Rose in this movie with this throwing a tantrum and storming off stage bit. A one song set of his is worth a week long set of Apollonia 6. They are, in a word, no damned good. There are what they call in the old country, rhinoceros shit.

Prince rollin’ in like a bat out of hell and force pushes Morris into some trash. He might be a “long-haired faggot”, Morris, but you still got punked out by dude in a purple coat and pirate shirt. Who’s the real faggot here, Morris? I know that this not the right time but I didn’t realize Prince punched lefty. Also, Apollonia took the earring off of the opposite ear that it was in originally. Just noting the lapse in continuity.

Why does the Kid ever go home? The question is whether it’s only that dysfunctional when he’s around or all the time? The gun didn’t fire until the Kid flipped the light switch, so I think it’s a fair question. Prince, bro, someone took a lot of time putting whatever that was into those jars and you just broke them. That was some, um, spaghetti sauce or something and now you’re wasting it.

Fucking hell! Who would dare make fun of “Let’s Go Crazy”? Ridiculous. These are some weird random shots of people in the crowd. Once again, I know this is a movie but starting your set with “Purple Rain” is just bizarre. That’s your finisher, man! Macho Man Randy Savage didn’t drop the flying elbow and then lock up with his opponent.

Crap, here come a few tears. I thought I was gonna make it though this unscathed. I just now realized that “Purple Rain” is a metaphor for heaven. No wonder the sermon at the beginning of “Let’s Go Crazy” and “Purple Rain” are the bookends. I’m sorry if I’m fucking retarded for not figuring this out for 32 years but I was fucking 5 when this came out so fuck off.

Not to discount the sheer splendor that is the title track but why is that the one that wins over the club owner? That guy seems like he should have been really into “When Doves Cry”, only they didn’t perform it. I love that he gives away tambourines that no one has used ever. Not sure I get the message of this movie at all except we are all so very flawed but, sometimes, you just have to accept it. All for love, how seemingly foolish.

What if Apollonia isn’t really there but just a figment of the Kid’s imagination. Seeing his dad shot made him snap and now he sees the specter of her as a constant reminder of his greatest regret. Although, he looks pretty thrilled for a haunted man. Why is the crowd suddenly on board with everything the band does? Where were these fuckers earlier? The Revolution has been shredding this entire movie! Fair weather turd curators.

So, correct me if I’m wrong, but the movie just ended with Prince guitar-jizzing the crowd. If it was anyone else, no way is that overlooked. There you go, we lost a man who could climax over a bunch of film extras and be celebrated. FFS, I miss him so much.

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About The Social Retard

Hi there. Was that too forward?

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