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WWE Extreme Rules 2016

Trying something a little new tonight, live blogging.

Just got home and it’s time for the first match of the night that I don’t care about: Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler. Are these guys athletic? Yes. Are these guys compelling? Not particularly. DZ’s tights look like they have dead Daredevil heads on them. I heard someone describe Corbin’s finishing move is essentially him giving himself the Rock Bottom. It looks kind of cool until you think about what it is. It sure looks like he’s finishing himself.

Renee Young is way too concerned with Dolph’s testicles. I absolutely love that no one likes Michael Cole. Kudos to him, though. How many people do you know of that have never improved at their job that have actually managed to keep it for over a decade.

The Usos are really fun…if you’re 3 years old. It took all of a second for the crowd to chan “Bullet Club”. If it wouldn’t be so weird for me to do so, I’d join in. I would really like to see what Karl Anderson’s WWE-approved finisher is. It’s too bad that he hasn’t won a match since joining the company. I hate how WWE makes me look like a racist just because they always force Samoans and Latinos to be so boring compared to white anti-heroes.

Doc Gallows seems to have aged ten years in the last two. Kevin Nash moves more fluid than him…now, at 57 years old. Is Gallows even 30? The problem with the Usos, other than their personalities, is that they are not as athletic as they are billed. Gotta love how another bald Anderson can deliver a wicked spinebuster. Bad guys should never ask, “Do you know who you’re dealing with?”. The good guys absolutely know who they’re dealing with. While you’re busy asking, they kick you in the face.

I was hoping Gallows was going to attack Jimmy Uso with Lillian Garcia as a weapon. Yay! LOLBULLETCLUBWINS!!! Finally. They already have the best theme song in WWE. We should get to hear it more.

This is the United States title, so we get a Mexican and a “Bulgarian”. This is also the perfect time to check in with our many foreign announce teams. I really don’t understand why Kalisto is still the champion. I don’t mind. He’s actually very talented. They just don’t have anything interesting for him. At least he made it to the actual main card this PPV. And Rusev is light years ahead of Ryback as it pertains to watchability. He actually has some rudimentary awareness of ring psychology. Two separate Lex Luger mentions in this match. No one wants to hear about Lex Luger. No one. Worst commentary ever. We should just have Lana clapping for play-by-play.

Love the hurricanrana DDT but, no JBL, that move has never beaten anyone. Fucking hell, that Accolade was brutal. Ring the bell before Rusev disembowels Kalisto. In slow-mo, it is decidedly less devastating.

They show a Ninja Turtle commercial because Sheamus is Bebop or Rocksteady, I don’t remember who’s who. I really dig that they are showing those characters’ origins.

Big E is carrying rakes. That’s almost definitely a response to “The Cleaner”, Kenny Omega. Man, New Day made some rotisserie chicken salad out of chicken shit with this gimmick. Oh, the rakes were hoes. I can’t believe they got away with “putting two hoes in the ground”. Their opponents are the Vaudevillains, a tag team that I still can’t believe is on the main roster. It’s like we went back in time a decade when teams all had to have ridiculous characters and distinctive facial hair.

Hey, Xavier Woods gets to wrestling tonight. And he just through the hadouken punch. They really are calling out Omega. Big E is so damned impressive that he should be murdering people. Aiden English even stole that Seth Rollins finishing move that he used once. VV’s offense seems to consist of throwing guys in or out of the ring. Big E! Get up! Ha! He destroyed him. I like it when “faces” cheat.

Everybody, I like A.J. Styles. I really do. He seriously needs to change his hair. He looks like a teen girl impersonator. He walked in da club, which is really just bathroom with a stationary tub where a toilet should be.

The fatal 4-way for the I.C. strap. This is guaranteed to be 75% classic, 25% dogshit. And, yes, The Miz is that dogshit. Why isn’t Kevin Owens the champion of everything? Why is Cesaro’s new gimmick a James Bond-themed male stripper? I keep thinking that Sami Zayn is going to drive me in his taxi or sell me a newspaper. The only thing good about The Miz is Maryse.

I really hate JBL. Who is Audie Murphy? Just because you qualify you comparison by saying a guy is the “Modern Day [Name] doesn’t mean that anyone is old enough to remember who you’re talking about. Oh, shit. Cesaro vs. Zayn IV. How can Vince McMahon say that Cesaro doesn’t connect with fans? He’s over as hell. There is really nothing he can’t do in the ring. It’s gotta be weird for wrestlers when young dudes feel the need to touch their bare chests.

“Miz, I believe, suckered him in”. Yes, Michael, anyone with eyes could tell. Your believe has no bearing on reality. KO is a good deal puffier than I remember. This match has shrunk down to Owens vs. Zayn. Nothing wrong with that. And like Miz does, he ruins everything. Two people in the crowd think “this is awesome”. Miz can’t even win a cool finishing move because he’s so lame. Referees need to learn to be less retarded. The only ones on the ball are the corrupt ones.

It’s no surprise that this match had been a lot of fun. I just wish that Miz would eat all the finishers and the pin. That’s why the exact opposite happens.

The Asylum match, ugh. “Perry Saturn is smiling somewhere”. I doubt it, JBL. Last I heard, Saturn was homeless and crazy. If he is smiling, it’s because he’s insane, not happy.Maybe that’s what JBL meant, since this is an Asylum match. Heel Chris Jericho is the only Jericho worth having. If Ralphus isn’t dead, he should come back. Like Kalisto, I like Dean Ambrose but dude needs a direction. JBL should pick on Byron Saxton more. It’s the only time he’s tolerable.

“He just poked Jericho in the ear with a mop!” That’s almost as good as “The Rock just put Billy Gunn’s face in that large woman’s ass! I just said that, King!”. This match premise is so dumb, even Jericho’s banter can’t save it. He must have been hearing the commentary and figured his would be better. Couldn’t be worse. This is moving SO SLOWLY. Damn, Ambrose hit Y2J in the face with a leather strap.

According to JBL, everyone on this card is like Terry Funk. Man, I’ve completely lost interest in writing about this nonsense.


About The Social Retard

Hi there. Was that too forward?

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